Lately I've been reflecting a lot on my heritage (and my parents) because it is the primary force that shaped me into who I am today. When I say heritage I don't mean just the customs and traditions of Korea but I mean the firsthand experience of being a minority. It might seem strange to talk about being a minority in Silicon Valley in 2008 where you can't swing a cat without knocking down (pissing off and possibly scaring) 20 Asians but when I was growing up in the 70s - people did not even know what or where Korea was. I think I was the only Asian in my class through 3rd grade. In fact when people asked me where I was from they would say - are you from China or Japan. When I responded Korea, they said, huh? where is that? I couldn't answer because I had no idea either. Great, talk about alienation. You don't even know where you're from. I heard someone describe my status as being a "double minority" where you don't belong anywhere even in your country of origin. For example, I don't speak fluent Korean and what Korean I do speak is in heavily accented American, sniffed out by Korean taxi drivers, waitresses and grocery clerks. I'm used to it by now but when I was in my 20s it drove me nuts.
Thank the Lord God that I went to Berkeley for college and "rediscovered" my roots (aka going to a lot of Asian dances and clubs) and got happily lost in a sea of black hair - among people who went through the same confusing experience I did. We all had to explain to our parents what a sleepover was. My parents couldn't understand why I would want to sleep over someone else's house when I had a perfectly good bed at home. Sleepovers must have been for orphans or the homeless. We had to hear about how our parents only had one pair of shoes and even that one pair was two sizes too small. How they had to run away from the Japanese or North Koreans in the middle of the night in the snow barefoot. How they were starving and had to share one bowl of rice among 7 family members. I also had to sign my own permission slips (not sure why) and I had to type out my parents lease forms for their rental properties because I could write better English than they could. Weird, huh? But that's routine for children of first gen. immigrants. You're like a permanent tour guide - younger, wiser but powerless.
My parents immigrated to this country (Minnesota - the whitest place you can imagine) in the mid-60s not knowing a soul here, bringing with them only their ambition, wits and strong desire to get away from Korea. I don't think they knew what they were in for but they knew what they wanted to leave behind. With nothing, they managed to build a great life for themselves and support their parents back home. You can imagine the pressure on me to succeed having all the advantages that they didn't have. From day one - my mom was all business. Her mantra was - You have to have a focus! Don't hang out with friends but tend to your priorities. I was always taught that you needed to focus on your goals, get shit done and work hard to get what you want. (Course I collected a lot of mental baggage along the way) but in general they laid down a good foundation of how to get through life.
I guess all this reflection is brought on by having my second kid and wondering how I will bring them up. I suppose my parents emphasis on achievement will color my parenting style somewhat but I will also give them more room to be themselves and not encase them with expectations. I want my kids to experience PURE JOY - you know the kind that is without guilt or self censorship. When they have this in abundance then will I be happy...
