Gooey puddle of mommy love

My girl has been out of school and in a science camp for three weeks. So I have six hours with just one kid, the younger one, the squirrely one. I didn't know what to do with him. So we went to the park, grocery shopped and hung out at the mall. He's a handful all by himself. Call him "the bigger pain in my ass." I love the little guy but he drives me cuckoo. When I was pregnant with my first child, I thought I would make a better mother to a boy than a girl. Now that I have one of each, I believe that I am a better mom to a girl. Boys confound me. They are physical rather than emotional. My 20 month old boy is a tasmanian devil. A whirling dervish and destruction machine. Today he broke several picture frames, destroyed his dresser drawers and ate dirt. Ick. He loves to dive headfirst down stairs and jams fistfuls of food (no matter the size) in his mouth. His hands are always sticky and damp. Gak. It's amazing he's in one piece at the end of the day. Good thing he's close to the ground and has a layer of padding all around. Though after a piping hot bath when he's clean and smiley - I melt into a gooey puddle of mommy love. I is a goner.

Proud Momma

Tonight I watched my daughter dance in her first talent show. As she twirled across the stage with several other girls, I gulped and thought - my baby is all grown up. I remember when she was a roly-poly infant, giggly toddler and then petulant preschooler. Now she is still babyfaced but her features are solidfying into the girl she's going to become. She still plays with cars on an imaginary track on the carpet but she also tells me that I should wear my black shorts instead of my white ones. It's not just my girl, both my children are growing up quickly. My toddler boy's chubbie (very bite-able) legs are thinning out (oh no!) and he's starting to run (oh shit!). Time is speeding up. Time is weird. During the afternoon usually around 4 p.m. - time slows to a crawl - I can practically hear the ants outside my window yawn. But one day you look at your kids and say - what the hell happened to my babies?! And these are the babies that you complain about to your friends over wine when you are alone.

I do bitch and moan about how hard childrearing is - how hard it is to run a house - to keep on top of everything but when I look at my kids and see how fast they are growing - I just want to press the pause button, take them into my arms, hug them and freeze that moment when they are in my arms, they smell so sweet/fresh, they smile at my silly jokes and they are so innocent. I will always treasure this time in my life when I was turning 40 - my daughter was a fairy princess and my little boy ran from me with his saggy diaper butt. Ah, the bitter with the sweet.

Turning corners...

I'm sleeping more!  My kids are 5.5 years and 15 months.  My 15 month old is finally sleeping through the night.  He is so cute.  I love his big cheeks and the ones on his face too (ba dum bum).  His big sister is a bona fide elementary school kid; she loves school, her teacher and recess (duh).  I love doing her hair before school; she wears pigtails or just a pin on one side. She just learned to read!  I can hear her reading to herself in her room some nights; it's so cute. During a visit to the library, I overheard her "reading" to herself which meant in a low speaking voice that disgruntled a lot of senior citizens.  I told her to be read to herself silently so she did:  now all you could hear was a loud breathy whisper:  "Clifford didn't want ice cream so he walked across the street to the car wash..."  I can't believe that her kindergarten experience is almost half over; school gets out June 10.  I already signed her up for summer camp after reading some mom's freakout online about getting a jumpstart on summer.  She is an overall sunny person, a great big sister.  She is always looking out for her younger brother - keeping him from getting hurt (grabbing a knife) and then turning around and (unintentionally) hurting him in the process (tackling him to the ground).

She is very observant and pretty mature for her age.  I sometimes feel like I'm speaking with someone twice as old as she is.  She's also a little bossy and exacting though not to an obnoxious degree.  She has a hard time with the girl cliques (yes there is such as thing as a 5 year old queen bee) but we're working through each situation.  It's so hard to do this with her because it brings up my own fear of rejection and disapproval.  I remember the many times I faced or avoided (girl) bullies in my school.  It was and is so much easier for me to tell off a man than a woman.  Bad of me, isn't t?

Wait, I can yell at pretty much anyone as long as I feel justified.  I have to be (extra/double extra) sure of myself but I have been known to yell at someone if I feel like I'm getting the raw end of the deal.  It's the crispy kimchee in me.  All that spicy fermentation needs an outlet.  I digress. My daughter is facing that pack mentality of (most not all) girls that drives me crazy.  I understand the need for companionship or common ground or even to not feel like a loner freak. But I don't understand or feel comfortable with the whole let's all dress like each other, do exactly the same thing and all hang out at the mall together.  I never understood it when I was 12 either.  I wish I could give her a mental shield and helmet to wear as she goes through these next 15 years so she can deflect the mean words, judgment and conformist bullshit thrown at her by her fellow girls.  Whew, I'm glad I'm turning 40.  

Dbonz

Daniel is my smiley boy.  He smiles even when he is sick.  He has this persistent cough but he still manages to smile when you call him or meet his eyes.  He has this giant oval shaped head - it's hard to explain but it sits perched upon this stocky little body.  I'm so used to Sophie's tranquil girly serenity that his little ball of fists and fury sometimes overwhelm me.  Oftentimes, I laugh at it because it so cute.  I guess it's like when forest rangers take in wolf puppies.  So cuddly and soft until one day they eat your cat.  Ok, bad analogy.  I do think I'm in for a helluva ride with both of them.  Hopefully they won't challenge us too much.  Lord have mercy.  Even as I wrote that sentence I know they will challenge us for every ounce of sense we have.  But for now....

He is so sweet.  I can't pass by his room without him making a happy grunt or needy cry.  One time I actually got down on the ground and crawled by his room so he wouldn't see me.  It didn't work - he heard the scuffling plus I'm not that agile anymore.  I had to quit my job as a mime long ago.  I'm so curious as to what my little boy is going to be - will he be a stocky little athlete who's happy go lucky and hangs out with football players?  or will he be a quiet artist (please God no).  I guess I wish for him a very happy life - one where he knows who he is, how much he is loved, the fact that he can love others and finally that he has a passion in life - a focus where he enjoys putting his time and God-given talents.  But please don't become a minister, please not a minister.  Oy.  

Thank you, God.

It's been a while since I've posted.  A few things have happened in the last month:

- kicked my sleeping issue - its all anxiety issues...same stuff, diff. day.  it's a third generation problem.  I blame my Confucian ancestors who were probably repressed, anxious warriors.  

- Daniel is now walking (at 1 year!)

- we had S' first parent teacher conference (yikes tho it's all good)

- my good friend, P, left me for the Jerzey Shorr where she actually gets to visit all the places I read about in my New Yorker.  Eat a lot of good K-food for me, Cho-P!

- hosted my first official playdate in kindygarten incl. providing a nutritious lunch for two 5 year olds!

- finally admitted i need daycare - economy or no economy.

- finally admitted i need a housekeeper.

- finally admitted i need to chill.

- finally admitted that I need peeps.  not the easter candy.

- finally admitted that i will turn 40 next year.  Holy nutburgers, Batman!

Funny lines from S-child:

- Upon leaving Peetz after Dbonz took an impressively smelly poop in his pants about 2 minutes after we got there, she looks at me and says, "Mom, we should name him In-n-Out Poopburger!"

Sweet lines from S-child:

- I know you get tired of hearing me say this all day but Mom, I love you.  

A memory I will cherish forever:

- Watching Dbonz and S-child freshly bathed (of course) playing in their PJs in Sophie's room - climbing over each other. Fighting a little bit but sharing the same space and being sibs.  So innocent, beautiful and awesome.  I could watch them forever - if only they wouldn't make any demands on me. 

A fact you don't need to know:

- I'm growing out my bangs - so is my daughter.  

peace out.