Small Town Girl Grows Up

Mothers' Work

2011-11-08T00:28:00.000-08:00

Whether you work outside the home dressed like a human for a paycheck or inside the home wearing the same sweats outfit you wore yesterday enslaved by doughy munchkins who look like you, you are a mom who works. Moms work their asses off. If only the fat would then come off their asses, then it might come close to an even trade. The paycheck moms come home at night to exchange their human clothes for sweats and then do a doubleshift of "inside the home" work. What is "inside the home" work you might ask? Well let me tell you because my brain loves to catalogue it as I'm doing it. Sometimes I like to do inside the home work while uttering a litany of "fucks", "shits", and "I went to college for this?!" My outrage seems to correlate to the amount of idealization (is that the right word) I had as a 20 year old who thought I was going to be the next Connie Chung (you know, Maury's wife). I just pictured myself in a suit writing important meeting/work/professional executive stuff in a giant red date book (Franklin Covey) and then talking into a giant football sized cell phone. I never pictured myself pulling gumball sized poo out of my constipated child's ass or wiping the floor for the 5th time in one day of gooey rice bits, dried playdough and melting chocolate. I didn't think I could fold a mountain of giant and little boxer briefs while making sure my pasta doesn't boil over and coax my 8 year old from under her bed so she could do her homework. It all ends up at the doorstep of chardonnay but I digress.

You see inside the home work never ends. It's like a giant endless pit. Take picking up around the house. Well, I pick up a lot of kids' toys and hurl them into the kids' rooms. I don't actually put them away in a drawer but throw them into their rightful quadrant of the house. If I'm particularly energized by a run (endorphins make you do the craziest things), a giant vat of coffee (ditto) or a claritin (hello allergy season), I will actually pick up my children's rooms. This requires the patience of an archaeologist or someone who works in the Library of Congress. You see, my daughter loves legos. These are not toys but small plastic shards that must be catalogued and stored or the worst will occur: the original lego that you paid more than 50 dollars for can never be constructed again. Giant Millenium Falcon? Nope not anymore - without that one crucial grey piece - now it's a just a pile of non recyclable plastic bits. Is that a 1 inch twig brought in on the bottom of your child's shoe? NO! It is Harry Potter's Quidditch stick - put it away carefully or your daughter will explode in hysterics or worse beat the shit out of her brother because she will think that he took it. Poor guy. He probably did but on this one day you accidentally threw it out or sucked it up in the vacuum - the natural enemy of the lego. Is that a dead fly? No. It is Darth Vader's trademark helmet/head/skull thingey How can you play Star Wars without that. You are screwed and you are a lazy no good mother who wastes her money on these plastic bits that will get lost. You should have bought more natural wooden toys or even done away with toys altogether and made your kids construct treasures from trash - use their imaginations and create cool things from your recycling bin. Did I tell you mothers' tend to obsess?

Wuck?

2011-09-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while since I've posted on my blog. I've been "kinda" busy. Strong quotes around kinda because it's meant as massive understatement. Kids are (almost) 4 and definitely 8. What am I busy doing? Driving two kids to/from: school, soccer, swimming, doctors and/or dentist appts and parks, cooking, shopping for food (e.g., modern day version of hunter/gatherer), cleaning house, folding laundry, paying bills and watching re-runs of Sopranos. Yeah, I watch old school re-runs of the hyper violent show, The Sopranos. I believe it is a relief valve (emotional fart hole) for any animosity that develops between me and 1) the kitchen, endless dishes 2) small people that I live with 3) that guy in traffic who isn't paying attention to the light 4) and random people who piss me off and my personal favorite 5) poop.

In between, I've been social - meeting up with friends. Wonderful women who are funny, supportive and listen to my tales of triumph and (sometime) woe. I cherish my friendships. I get a high from chatting and laughing with them. It's amazing how your shitty mood can be instantly lifted by a quick chat with a friend. Friendship is the Rx for my shitty moods. I keep forgetting this as I sometimes let dark clouds linger longer than necessary. I want to make a vow right now to nurture my friends and also to let them nurture me. I can't be a lone wolf though I often fantasize that I don't need anyone - that I am totally self-sufficient. This feeling lasts about 13 minutes on Monday morning as I hear the barking of my 4 year old ringing in my ears. Help! Eeek! Calgon - take me away even though you sometimes give me a rash!

I will close up for now...here for your entertainment enjoyment is a list of words that sounds like swears/off-color but technically are not.

1) D-hole or J-hole (actually any letter in front of hole sounds bad)
2) Bizznotch
3) Shaq
4) Farkenheimer
5) Nuck
6) Flip! (said really loudly in right context)

things that make me happy...

2011-01-25T00:24:00.000-08:00

Happy new year, beyotches!
Things are hunky dory in our home.
Children are doing well. I am keeping busy with child rearing. (sounds so weird, doesn't it? like animal husbandry.) Anyway, I am hand-raising my little goat herd of two. It can be boring, hum drum stuff. So during my time off - after they are asleep - I troll the web for things that make me happy.

1) Hats!

Regard...

2) Comedy/jokes/reality TV/life in general
I love to laugh and find a lot of things hilarious in the routine nature of life. I believe that laughter is the best medicine and we all need to take ourselves less seriously. SNL skits, Jersey Shore, Kathy Griffin, my hubbie's jokes, my parents' jokes (they have awesome senses of humor)....these things sustain and feed me. Life can crush you. You have to hold yourself up with laughter. Even the unruly, bawdy, unsavory, sailor-y kind! (my favorite!) Fart joke, anyone? Next...

3) Home cooked meals.
I love to go to someone's house and eat their food. Better if they actually prepared it. I also love to plan and cook meals for others. I used to hate to cook. In fact, I held cooking as one a low-level chore that women had to do for their husbands. (hey, I was raised by a very traditional Korean woman). So, it held no appeal for me. Then I gave birth to a little rascal who was allergic to everything under the sun so I had to belly up to the stove practically every meal to produce something that would nourish and not injure his innards. This brings us to present day. 2011. I am cooking a lot and as a result, enjoying food more. When you prepare your own food, you notice the subtleties of other people's dishes. You try to figure out what spices they used or if they steamed or stir-fried something. It's amazing! Food is art. Food makes you feel good. It's essential and makes us go. But...I still love diet coke.

4) Diet coke.
I know I have to give up DC. I love it so. I probably have rock hard aspartame crystals in my body. It's like cigarettes. It pains you to give it up. I'm trying to switch it up to water with tons of fresh squeezed lemon juice. The tartness seems to satisfy my deadened, overly stimulated by diet coke taste buds. We'll see. I need hard core prayer on this one.

5) Dressing up
I have been working out a lot lately so the ol chassis looks (in the words of Larry David, creator of Seinfeld and Curb your Enthusiasm) prehtee, prehtee good. (translation: i'm lookin' kinda decent naked). So dressing up is more fun. Not an exercise in silk seam stress-testing. Will this sheer tank top rip open like an envelope during dinner is not a question that I need to ask right now. Instead, it is...what can I wear to show off my ripped (ok....just toned) back.

6) My family
I have worked hard for this family. I love my husband (my best friend) and my kids (2 little munchkins). I look at them and I feel a deep joy. One that I have never felt in my life. I am home and I thank Jesus for bringing me here. Amen, sisters.

Carry on and keep being awesome. I'm glad I get a chance to share this with all 5 of my readers.

A boy

2010-11-22T23:22:00.000-08:00

Daniel turned 3 earlier this month. He's a big boy now! He pooped for the first time in the toilet for the first time in his tender young life. I was so proud. I've heard that you are supposed to positively reinforce this type of behavior so Sophie and I really went overboard in our praise. We whooped and hollered like he had found out how to make gold from his butt. He looked at us a little suspiciously like, "Just because you act like that does that mean that I'm going to do that again." Anyway, I'm hoping that he soon tires of collecting his feces in a wearable waterproof pouch.

The little guy kills me though with his teddy bear looks and straight talk express. Every time I yell at him (not often...ok 1x day), he always looks at me and then yells back even louder. He consumes my negative energy and then flings it back at me with his garbled toddler words. Today he ran away from me at Whole Foods almost reaching the parking lot where cars were driving by. Luckily there was a man there on the curb to catch him. I grabbed him (all 38 backaching pounds of him) and gave him a little pinch. Once we strapped him in his carseat, I said you are getting a timeout! Then he looked at me and said,"No! I'm not!" or something to that effect. Sometimes the straight talk express is really touching. Yesterday night, I was web surfing (ok escaping) and he looked at me and said, "I love Mom." Then he looked at me and said, "Kiss, 3 times..." I freaked out. Melted. So touched was I. I could've just died right there and been happy. It's amazing when little kids start to talk. They can describe what they've been feeling all along and you get to be there...front row!

I once heard that raising children is not fun but joyful. Joy being more lasting than fun. I agree. Parenting is so hard on me but it etches my life with joy.

Meal Planning Monday 10/18/10

2010-10-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

When did I become so domestic? I know, right? F-in weird? 20 years ago, I was trying to be hip in Berkeley with my cool, Asian-wanna-be-Annie-Hall look, smoking my Camel Lights. Now I'm a full time mom publishing her dinner menu for the week!? WTF. The past is the past and I've dialed down a little of my extreme views and now I'm just trying to feed my kids. The little one has tons of food allergies (wheat, egg, nuts, peas/legumes, seafood) so we're limited but not lacking.

Let's help each other. Publish your menu here. Or get some ideas from me or others. No novels necessary just jot down some ideas. K?

Monday - Chicken drumsticks with zukes, cherry tomatoes and potatoes (one pot meal cooked in chicken broth and parmesan cheese, gluten free!)
Tuesday - Ground beef with noodles (stroganoff-ish)
Wednesday - Veggie drawer brown rice stir fry
Thursday - Leftover/clean the freezer night
Friday - Pizza night (either make or buy....ok who am I kidding, buy!!!!) Mom's night out, bitches!

Random thoughts while driving

2010-10-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

I drive a lot. During the day, I feel like my car is another room in my house. As such it is filled with appropriate accoutrements e.g., clothing, food, magazines, books, furniture, bowls, eating utensils. You name it. I could live in it for 48 hours with my kids and they would be well cared for. So during these long drivings jags, I have random thoughts. I thought I mights share some of these.

- If squirrels didn't have cute tails, we'd all be screaming our asses off seeing them scampering all over the place. They look like little rats. ew.
- Why does that woman in my neighborhood take walks with her (giant) patio umbrella. She looks like a deranged clown who robbed a sidewalk bistro and doesn't know what to do with her stolen good.
- Does Los Altos experience more pedestrian fatilities because it lacks proper sidewalks? Do they really have that much faith in the local geriatric and/or pimple-ridden driving population? I for one feel nervous walking around my neighb because you never know if it's going to be a 75 year old trying to work her voice recognition dialing software in her new Jag or a 17 year old texting someone that he's late to Spot Pizza.
- Why do some of the moms at my school drive like drugged loons? I don't get it. When you drop off your giant 6th grader, do you need to sit there and watch him take the 100 steps into school? Move it!
- Do all cops have brown hair? Yes!
- Why does butter and animal fat taste soo good. (if you say ew, you don't know how to eat)
- Why do people continue to run when it's obvious that they are in a lot of pain. I swear I saw this woman limping down the street all patched up from knee to ankle. I totally get the addiction to endorphins but come on!
- EVERYONE TEXTS while driving. You can see the tops of people's heads as they look down at blue screens. Geico, man, Geico!
- I can't remember what Alec Baldwin looked like when he was hot. I simply don't remember and that's not good.

That's all for now...

Bronx Beat

2010-08-30T23:57:00.001-07:00

Flowers, again.

2010-08-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

I recently took a flower arranging class from a fellow parent at my daughter's school. Check out the results...the one thing I learned....when in doubt...pick green!

Summer!

2010-08-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

I love summer. It is a relaxing time; people move more slowly through warmer air. You can see more ease on people's faces. They look peaceful, walking in their shorts and flip flops, perusing a farmer's market. It's not the bundled down look of winter with people wearing raincoats and hoods. Food tastes fresher because everything is in season. I planted tomatoes for the first time this year. They taste great! I can't help but rub my hands on the leaves and smell them. It's got this great tomato-ey smell. Compared to my humble crop, Safeway tomatoes remind me of red rubber balls.

This summer has been very mild. Temps in 70s most of the time. No 100-degree record breakers yet. I remember one year the temps topped off at 104+ for 3-4 days. While we were on vacation in CO, my parents dealt with the sweltering heat by going to my Dad's office in Cupertino where the air conditioning (left on over the weekend) roared away on empty cubicles and conference rooms. They also went to the mall where they found similarly minded folks lining the walkways, sitting on the floors and couches. I wish we had one or two of these 100+ days before we hit Fall....it just seems fitting. I look forward to the next one.

I love watching the World Cup...here's why!

2010-07-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

Not me but one day I'd like to
wear this outfit to a World Cup

1) non-violent competition of nations
2) everyone plays like their country's stereotype. (Brazilians dance; Germans march; Koreans act like scrappers; Americans pull the underdog thing)
3) the dudes are not too bad to look at.
4) no one ever scores; it's like hours of foreplay....then bam!
5) community feeling - you know the whole world is watching with you.
6) you never know who is going to win.
7) no instant replay for referees. it is what it is
8) US does not dominate so we can get a brief geography lesson on where the teams are from.

Flowers for hours...

2010-05-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

Dude, I'm really into flowers right now. I love peonies especially the electric pink color. I can stare at flowers for hours. So beautiful....enjoy.

Life is like a shitty first draft

2010-05-06T21:54:00.000-07:00

I finally figured it out: life is not perfect. No matter how hard I try, worry or plan - life is like a shitty first draft. Life provides a waterfall of metaphors (get it?). It is like stumbling in the dark naked with a sharp knife on a Vaselined slip-n-slide. Ok, it's not always that bad but life as I know it now is definitely a shitty first draft. I pride myself in being proficient in many things. I gain ego strokes from knowing that I'm the best or better than a lot of people at something. Parenting is not one of these things. I feel like I'm stumbling in the dark and just trying to hang onto the side of the boat while huge waves crash down on me.

I don't get to correct my mistakes at the end of day - I only get another day. Everyday is like a first draft that you have to turn in to the teacher whether you like it or not.

This pains me especially because I hate writing first drafts because they are pretty shitty. If you are a writer, you know what I'm talking about. First you have the great idea to about write about something. Then if you are me - you procrastinate about fleshing it out further. You instead put into a notebook and then forget about it. Worse, you might come across it several weeks later and then file it under "good ideas to write about." What are you putting off? You are putting off producing a shitty first draft. A shitty first draft is something that we all have to go through. It's wobbly, confused prose. It doesn't even hang together. Your first few paragraphs may register some sparks but mostly its farts. I hate first drafts. As the words come out, you wince or tighten up your sphincter (maybe just me) because you know it's not what you really want to say but it's the best you can do for now. It's the placeholder for your genius that is to come or to be determined. I love TBD - so much promise, so non-specific, so non-committal. But TBD has an expiry date. It can not last forever. TBD must give way to....a shitty first draft.

Spring sprang.

2010-04-30T16:18:00.000-07:00

It's time to find the plastic tub in your garage that holds your shorts and capri pants! Yay! I love Spring.

Nicknames

2010-04-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

I love nicknames. I don't have many myself but I love to give them. It comes naturally to me and probably annoys the holy rolling bleep out of my family and close friends. If I name you then I love you or at least think you're cool enough to name. It's a simple rule. So here is my list of nicknames.

Husband:
- hubcap
- mango Calrissian (you know, as in lando....)
- flytown mango (or just flytown for short)
- mango jango
- big mango
- tupac shakey-shakur
- micks
- micksy

Kid#1:
- toons
- toonsy boonsy
- small mango
- flytown mango (I guess I really like this one)
- flow-max
- patewan (we're in a star wars phase)
- sophinator
- soph-boph
- sopho-bopho

Kid#2:
- tiny mango
- crazytown
- smokey joe
- dan-ban
- nutball
- maximillian

the list could go on....

Truth

2010-03-15T23:19:00.000-07:00

I bumped into an old high school/college friend today at Trader Joe's. She asked me how I was and I replied with surprising force, "I'm great." After I said it, I waited for the dull echo inside of me to silently say no, you're not - but this time it did not come. Instead I felt strong, at peace and well...great. Why am I surprised? You see it's taken me a while to get here. Since my son's birth, I've been on a roller coaster of sorts. Typical postpartum stuff and the added difficulty of his food allergies and chronic often painful eczema. He is now 2.5 years old and while he still struggles with skin issues (scratching till he bleeds) he has come such a long way. I have laid my hands on him at night when he sleeps and prayed for him. Prayed that God would take away his terrible rash and discomfort. I can't even really cry about it because I can't bear to really take the realization too deep into my heart of how uncomfortable he probably is 24 hours a day. So I methodically try to help ease his comfort....rub ointments into his skin or take his mind off his itchiness by making him laugh, watch his favorite shows or rub his tummy. It's truly awful how helpless I feel but he cannot use my pity or sadness. He needs my help and clear mind to think of a solution. His rash has gotten slightly better but at least now I have some handle on how to control it. My son can communicate a little better now too. We're in a better place all around. I've learned to let go of perfection and settle for good enough. As long as "us four" are ok, I'm ok....and as in days like today, I'm great....

Running

2010-01-25T22:11:00.000-08:00

I started training for a 10k about 3 weeks ago. Training includes running 3-4 miles about 3 days a week. In between I have been doing cross-training and stretching. I am a mean couch potato so all this activity is kinda weird for me. I've always liked the outdoors, hiking and walking but never running. At least not over 3 miles and this was done only because I was doing a 5k. Despite my daily huffing and puffing, sweat drenched unders, and sore legs, I have yet to see my mom-gut wither and disappear. The muffin top is still a top. She stands proudly, jutting out her "chin" to world, saying - I make Christine look pregnant and I don't care! Before you send me an email asking me if I am still eating carbs, let me say one thing: Hold up there, missie! I'm not gonna give up carbs. So ask me something else. I have been eating fewer carbs if that helps. One of the saddest days was when I figured out my fave tortilla chips were about 10 cals a chip. (tear drop).

You might ask me why I'm running. Go ahead ask me. Well, the main reason is to give my workouts a purpose; another reason is that I LOVE the high that running gives me; thirdly, I like running with my new girl peeps, Mel and Lisa. They provide entertainment and encouragement. We're like our own support group. We meet on Saturday mornings and run about 4 miles and then say goodbye and go on our ways to families, housework and daily life. For that 1 hour though, we are athletes smiling and sweaty, out in the world and having a blast.

Childhood memories

2010-01-13T00:06:00.000-08:00

Cold weather with its smells and sensations conjure up memories like an aggressive leaf blower. Here in Northern California, it is chilly and wet. We are in the dead of winter which means sweaters, heater on full blast in the car, fingerless gloves, tea, soup, double comforters, people freaking out on the road because its raining while they drive (we're wimpy). It's batten down the hatches time. I do love the coziness of the season but I hate the cold air that hits you right out of the shower. Won't miss that in July. Something about cold weather makes me nostalgic. Not sure why. Maybe it's all the George Winston I am playing that produces such melancholia....anyway here is the list.

1) spending every Christmas at a casino/ski area. if you guessed Reno or South Lake Tahoe - you get a dollar!
2) trying to keep my umbrella from flipping inside out (unsuccessfully) while walking home with my neighbor. I was in 1st grade! Can you imagine doing that now? Incroyable.
3) listening to the rain dripping from the roof spout outside from my warm cozy bed
4) pushing away leaves and debris that built up near the storm drains and watching the water whoosh by!
5) drinking cocoa too fast and touching the now scalded roof of my mouth with my tongue
6) trying to button a raincoat over 2 sweaters. Mom was worried I was going to Everest on my way to school.

Twenty Ten

2010-01-10T21:38:00.000-08:00

New year means new promises to myself. These are in no particular order:
1) Lose the pooch. hint: I don't have a dog.
2) Read more to my children.
3) Make said children eat more veggies.
4) Make kid#1 fluent in Korean. Don't judge. Ok, judge but be quiet about it.
5) Make kid#2 stop being allergic to everything. Ok, try to help him cope with allergies.
6) Eat better. Cut down on carbs unless week before Aunt Flo.
7) Run a 10k.
8) Appreciate my man more. He deserves it and I often overlook.
9) Invite people over to my house more. Exercise hospitality. Boil up some hot dogs. You get the picture.
10) Be kinder to myself. My family. My friends.
11) Learn to compost. I can't for the life of me figure this out.
12) Don't touch my cell phone at all while driving.
13) Clean garage.

Good list, huh? I can't think of anything more. Have a happy new year.

More things Koreans like...

2009-10-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

11) Mercedes Benz - not BMWs. Those are for young kids. Older Koreans love the Benz. I once rolled up on my Mom's house during one of her poker games (see #14) and saw 4 Benzs lined up across her driveway. Looked like a Sopranos sit-down.
12) Karaoke - Ok, I won't use a Japanese word to describe what Koreans like. Norae-bang. There that's a Korean word to describe what Koreans like to do: sing in front of their friends, peers, fellow church members. Don't matter who - when asked, you get up and start singing from your repertoire. My parents practice their songs during the week. It's serious stuff.
13) Toothpicks - Yup, the men love toothpicks. You pick one up on the way out from your soon dubu, kalbi fest and pop it into your mouth. You remove it later when you need to smoke. Women take a more covert approach to toothpickin'. They will cover one hand over their mouth while the other hand works the instrument in between all of their teeth. Word to these women: I see what you are doing! The hand does not help! Do this at home!!!
14) Poker (gambling in general) - Nothing makes my Mom happier than gambling. I'm not talking about video poker or loose slots. I'm talking about 21 and poker. As my brother said, when she gambles - she forgets that she is a Mom. We are like foster kids. She throws some money at us and runs away, mumbling something about meeting us back at the hotel room. It's crazy. 2 or 3 a.m. is not unusual time to see her again. It's amazing.
15) Cold hard cash aka scrilla - I can count on my fingers how many times my parents bought me a present that was wrapped. Screw the bow. Usually I got a really old card (Happy Birthday Niece) my Mom found in her drawer somewhere with a little somethin' somethin'. As a child, this was disappointing - but as an adult - I love it. In fact, I lurve it. More people should give cash. Good for the giver and recipient.

Phlegm City

2009-10-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

We're falling like flies here in Phlegm City. First Dbonz sneezed four times in a row on Thursday and then big sis started hacking up luigis. Mom held out for a few days, valiantly trying to drink a lot of lemon water, vitamins washed down with Diet Coke. Now, she's got chills and they are multiplyin. It's not electrifyin'. It sucks. One day alone with two sick kids was about as much as I could take. They should make a special brand of tranquilizer for staying at home with kids. Not full-strength but just enough to take the edge off. Mommy's little helper. They could sell it in the tampon aisle. :-)

Cleaning chili off the carpet

2009-10-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

I saw this 'Office' episode where Kevin, the HR guy, accidentally dumps a giant pot of chili on the office carpet. He tries desperately to scoop it back into the pot with anything he can grab which turns out to be a manila file folder. His weak attempts are ineffective and he ends up slipping around in a giant, goopy mess - somehow making it all worse with each stroke. Kevin's goopy incident made me think of some of my more difficult days here at the ranch. Love the kids; hate the mess. My 2 y.o. son is adorable but he has been driving me bonkers for days....waking up in the middle of the night for no reason. Then creating havoc during the day, making messes, biting his older sister and generally being a loon. I'm told this is normal behavior for boys. I'm not happy about this feedback at all. I'm biding my time until preschool - hopefully he won't get kicked out. In the meantime, I will keep scooping up the chili...

On a brighter note, I published a guest post at Kimchi Mamas on my daughter's Korean school. Check it out here.

That's right....I ran it. Booyah!

2009-10-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

Fuel for my fire

2009-10-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

These things fuel my fire:
Smiles of my babies
My giant fleece blanket aka the marshmellow
Clair de lune by Debussy
Giant vat of Korean soup (any kind will do)
Jumping on bubble wrap
Hot coffee from Peetz
Love of family and Jesus Christos
Massages
New Yorker
Vanity Fair
Nora Ephron
Woody Allen movies
Moonstruck
Stewie from Family Guy
Brian from Family Guy
Eating meals while laughing hysterically with friends
Perfect black pumps
Led Zeppelin
Alicia Keys
D'Angelo
Donuts

Mad Men

2009-09-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

I get a big smile on my face when I realize it is Sunday. Sunday night means Mad Men. Great writing, women with real curves, a successful mousy woman, smart-mouthed Slattery and Mr. Hamm. Here's to you Mad Men - hope you will go on forever...

UTERUS, O UTERUS...How do I love thee!

2009-09-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, a doctor confirmed that I will need to have a hysterectomy in the next few years. I need this because my uterus (aka my baby case, baby bucket, ol' trusty) has several benign tumors called fibroids. I've had this condition since 2003 and have felt and watched them grow and shrink with each of my two pregnancies. Now I have one big tumor (big bertha) and it's pressing on my bladder and just making life uncomfortable. The uterus is an under-appreciated organ, the Rodney Dangerfield of the body. It's not the heart, lungs, intestine. It's just a fetus sleeping bag for 9 months and then it just fills and empties with blood every month after that. Despite its low profile, I have the utmost respect for my uterus because it defied the odds and kept my babies safe by not expelling them prematurely (as many doctors warned me) and not leaving them with dented heads (not a real danger but one I conjured up). I used to think that several of the fibroids kept my daughter company when she was in there. In my imagination, they looked like that purple character from McDonalds (see image).

Now faced with losing my uterus, I feel very upset. People need to stop messing with my abdomen! I've had 3 abdomen surgeries in the last 6 years! (2 c-sections, 1 appendectomy) Stop fucking with my guts! I know exactly how the recovery will be and it's not pretty. I'm not a stoic person. When faced with great illness or pain, I plummet into self-pity and usually depression. I can't help it and I wish I could say it wasn't that way but I like to be in control and also am a creature of habit. When you can't get up or walk around without feeling like you're going to rip open your guts, it's easy to get a little down. So I don't know what to think about this...maybe writing about it will help.

What Koreans like...

2009-09-17T22:37:00.000-07:00

I've been reading this website called Stuff White People Like. It made me laugh like a hyena....farmer's markets, camping, eating outside, moleskine notebooks, trains and Mad Men. So here's my take on stuff Koreans like....based entirely on watching my parents and corroborating it with other friends...

1) Church - Even if you are not a Christian...you will go to church, a Korean one. Church=social club. Plus your kids might meet their future spouse there! I did not but that's a small detail.
2) Dial soap - Old school orange version. It will cure all ailments according to my parents. From eczema to getting sick a lot. "Dial kill da germs."
3) Roe (fish eggs) - Personally this makes me want to puke but my parents treat this like black gold. Let's just throw in fish eyeballs too.
4) Slippers - Once you take your shoes off at the front door, you slip your feet into some nice terry cloth slippers and scuff your way to the kitchen to boil some tea...
5) Barley tea - Dark brown tea made with barley....hot in the winter and cold in the summer. I love it.
6) Burberry - Raincoats, visors, quilted jackets, golf gear, purses....ya gotta have it....real or fake, don't matter.
7) Plastic or glass containers - My mom must have 4000 small glass/plastic containers to store even the smallest amount of food leftover from any meal. One orange segment? Put it into a tiny container! It looks like an Escher drawing in the fridge: staircases to nowhere....
8) Golf - most obvious one. I think it has to do with being able to rate your ability vs. someone else's. After you get your PhD, how will you know where you rank?
9) Serialized TV dramas - Korea produces the most widely watched drama shows in Asia. They are translated into all languages. I happen to love one the most - My Lovely Kim Sam Soon. This show rocks. My parents rent these shows on DVDs - checking out 10 at a time! Highly addictive...
10) Fruit after dinner - After dinner, we used to watch TV while my mom cut apples. We ate apples every night - varying occasionally with watermelon, grapes or pear but apples were a mainstay. My mom even taught me to cut an apple in the "right" way which I still do to this day....

My Ahbuhgee...

2009-09-15T10:36:00.000-07:00

In early July, we celebrated my Dad's 70th birthday with a big fancy dinner party. The room was full of my Dad's friends; some of whom he has known for more than 50 years. I grew up with many of them, seeing them at BBQs, church camp, and the occasional smoky house party with loud karaoke music (we hosted a LOT of these). In the 80s, my parents loved to party: 8-10 families in the house, Johnny Walker, Stoli, open mics complete with dirty jokes. It was crazy but fun. These same people now greeted me with smiling familiar faces now lined with age. I put a lot of effort into the party planning. I created a an extensive slideshow of my Dad's life and a trivia game about his life, quirks and hobbies. He loves doing the laundry, go figure. No one got drunk and I didn't faint during my toast. I was happy no one could tell that in the weeks leading up to the birthday that I was an emotional wreck. The panic in the days before the party would ebb and flow. I channeled most of it into the preparation for the party; hence the lonnngggg slide show. I busied myself to stave off the reality.

Dad turning 70 just stopped my breath. 70 sounded so old. Before my Dad reached his seventh decade, 70 used to conjure up images of a bent over old man using a cane with white flowing hair: Gandalf from Lord of the Rings. My wide-faced, tan Korean Dad looks nothing like Gandalf. He works out at the YMCA four times a week, plays golf every weekend and looks like a trim 50 year old. Heck, many of my friends told me that they found him attractive (gak!). I realized that I was emotionally wrought because I thought he would live forever and here I was faced with a significant sign of his mortality. His life will end just as mine will someday. It didn't help that I turned 40 the day before his party. I had to swallow two big milestones; each felt like a heavy, cold anvil.

We've come a long way - my Dad and me. We didn't always have the greatest of relationships. He's a bit of a rageaholic, type A, perfectionist. He was always head of his class since he had to win scholarships to pay for school in Korea. He expected me to be the best. When I misspelled a word during a district-wide spelling bee, he berated me on the way to the car. Nice. This guy had NO filter. He was so strict. I remember crying into my big bowl of gomtang (Korean soup) because I couldn't sleepover a friend's house. "What's a sleepover?" he asked. "You have a perfectly good bed upstairs!" He's also very traditional: women serve men, women keep the home. This pertained to my Mom the most. For me, he wanted something different. He wanted me to be Carly Fiorina - a CEO. (talk about contradictory).

But during the last 10 years, we've built a new relationship. I've confirmed that we actually have a lot in common. He is an artist (painter), loves to read (all of Steinbeck's novels), and go to museums. He also loves to go out to eat. A bon vivant. Most importantly, he became a Christian recently. His heart has been softened by God's grace. It's amazing really; a miracle. I should never underestimate God's power. He marinated the heart of this rageaholic with his Love. He's definitely not a softie still but I'm glad that we still have this time together not to right past but at least to add another chapter.

Summer observations

2009-07-18T09:21:00.001-07:00

1) Summer is actually very short. Basically 9 weeks which are going by like THAT! (insert snap sound)

2) I've actually gotten closer to my little Sophie. We have more stretches of downtime to hang out and be silly together.

3) Both my children are growing up so fast. Each morning they look a wee bit different. A longer leg, a leaner face, or maybe even facial features that have been slightly rearranged overnight. Weird, right?

4) Oh yeah, I also turned 40 but I'm ok with it. (more on that later)

5) My 20 month old son talks now. He says no, mine, owie, dooce (for juice), does (toes), mommy, daddy, ami (for grandma), points to his nose. He also recognizes Thomas (choo-choo) and Elmo (Ellow).

6) He's also is a little tyrant. If he were a factory, his only product would be tantrums. If he were a river - his only flow would be anger. The one mitigating factor is that he has eczema and though it has ebbs/flows - it looks friggin awful and he looks miserable. It's like torture to watch him scratch, howl, get up and then sit down, unable to figure out what to do. All I can do is cover him in Aquaphor, cortisone, distract him and then call the doctor for another appt. It's been hard on me and most of all on him.

7) When he wants anything, he says Mommy at the top of his lungs, hurls himself on the floor. When that doesn't work, he'll scratch his legs (because this always works) and howl "Owie!" This makes mommy move fast like a kid at a carnival.

8) The warm weather and long days are glorious. I wish they would never end.

9) Next weekend, I'm going away with some old high school (even gradeschool) friends for a 1969 birthday celebration. Should be fun. Ok, I lie - I'm nervous about leaving my eczema son and little girl and hanging out 90 miles away. Deep breath....

10) I thought I would hate being 40 but I like it so far. Feels like an accomplishment (not about aging) but about just building a nice life for myself. Kids, nice hubbie, career, etc.

Happy summer, dudettes!!!

Gooey puddle of mommy love

2009-07-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

My girl has been out of school and in a science camp for three weeks. So I have six hours with just one kid, the younger one, the squirrely one. I didn't know what to do with him. So we went to the park, grocery shopped and hung out at the mall. He's a handful all by himself. Call him "the bigger pain in my ass." I love the little guy but he drives me cuckoo. When I was pregnant with my first child, I thought I would make a better mother to a boy than a girl. Now that I have one of each, I believe that I am a better mom to a girl. Boys confound me. They are physical rather than emotional. My 20 month old boy is a tasmanian devil. A whirling dervish and destruction machine. Today he broke several picture frames, destroyed his dresser drawers and ate dirt. Ick. He loves to dive headfirst down stairs and jams fistfuls of food (no matter the size) in his mouth. His hands are always sticky and damp. Gak. It's amazing he's in one piece at the end of the day. Good thing he's close to the ground and has a layer of padding all around. Though after a piping hot bath when he's clean and smiley - I melt into a gooey puddle of mommy love. I is a goner.

Proud Momma

2009-05-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight I watched my daughter dance in her first talent show. As she twirled across the stage with several other girls, I gulped and thought - my baby is all grown up. I remember when she was a roly-poly infant, giggly toddler and then petulant preschooler. Now she is still babyfaced but her features are solidfying into the girl she's going to become. She still plays with cars on an imaginary track on the carpet but she also tells me that I should wear my black shorts instead of my white ones. It's not just my girl, both my children are growing up quickly. My toddler boy's chubbie (very bite-able) legs are thinning out (oh no!) and he's starting to run (oh shit!). Time is speeding up. Time is weird. During the afternoon usually around 4 p.m. - time slows to a crawl - I can practically hear the ants outside my window yawn. But one day you look at your kids and say - what the hell happened to my babies?! And these are the babies that you complain about to your friends over wine when you are alone.

I do bitch and moan about how hard childrearing is - how hard it is to run a house - to keep on top of everything but when I look at my kids and see how fast they are growing - I just want to press the pause button, take them into my arms, hug them and freeze that moment when they are in my arms, they smell so sweet/fresh, they smile at my silly jokes and they are so innocent. I will always treasure this time in my life when I was turning 40 - my daughter was a fairy princess and my little boy ran from me with his saggy diaper butt. Ah, the bitter with the sweet.

More car wash than spa...

2009-04-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I went with my friend Shirley to the Imperial Spa in San Francisco, a jimjilbang or public bathhouse. We were scheduled for a scrub and massage. This ain't your Swedish, oily, Enya-soaked odyssey on 250 count sheets. This is MASSAGE, K-town style, ya dig? That means you will be handled, moved and abused by a Korean lady in a matching bra and panty set. (I never could figure out why they do that but oh well.) But first let me describe the scene. Me=totally naked. I'm totally comfortable naked. I'm not sure people love to see me naked but their problem. The room is like a giant shower stall (tiled with drains on floor), not unpleasant but utilitarian looking. There are three massage tables with giant plastic tarps on them. I laid down, eyeing my friend Shirley over the woman in between us. We smiled sort of like you do when you're about to go down a steep slope of a roller coaster. My lady said - "face down" so I laid on my stomach and wiggled my toes. I immediately feel this giant gush of warm water down my back and body. AHHHHHhhhhh, me feel like a giant 145 lb baby. Then another one. I could cry big mom tears. Then she started the "scrub" part of my treatment. She is scrubbing me raw - every part of my body - in between here and under there. It's not for the bashful. Why do people pay for this? Let me preface this by saying that Koreans believe soap does not make you clean. What makes you really clean is removing the top layer of skin on your entire body. I think the medical world calls this your epidermis? I'm kidding. Really if you are ever in the hot bath long enough, try rubbing your skin. You will see a dark grey worm of dead skin appear. To a Korean mom or grandmom, this dark worm is the motherlode, black gold, Texas tea - a sign that she has made you clean. Of course you will be red afterwards and possibly sore - but you are skinless er, really clean. Either way, there is no dirt there any longer. So back to me, so Jeney my Korean masseuse is rubbing me every which way and it doesn't hurt. I've never gotten my deh (Korean for dead skin) removed ever in my life so she's breaking a sweat here in her matching panty set. At one point, I think she was panting because it took so much effort. Once she was done, she poured a couple more buckets of hot water on me and told me to stand up and dry off. The massage would soon commence. Wow, I wasn't expecting such a thorough massage. Boobs, bum, inner thigh but not my dark continent. I was floored. No polite questioning of my comfort level or would I mind this...nope! Just goin at it with vigor. Afterwards, she gave me a cucumber (real chopped up veggie) facial and washed my hair. I was glowing and happy - this feeling lasted until I got home and even after my kids were whining and my husband asked me a lot of questions about where things were, etc. My Korean bathhouse experience was awesome I highly recommend it! But only if you like being naked...

Turning corners...

2009-02-16T23:45:00.001-08:00

I'm sleeping more! My kids are 5.5 years and 15 months. My 15 month old is finally sleeping through the night. He is so cute. I love his big cheeks and the ones on his face too (ba dum bum). His big sister is a bona fide elementary school kid; she loves school, her teacher and recess (duh). I love doing her hair before school; she wears pigtails or just a pin on one side. She just learned to read! I can hear her reading to herself in her room some nights; it's so cute. During a visit to the library, I overheard her "reading" to herself which meant in a low speaking voice that disgruntled a lot of senior citizens. I told her to be read to herself silently so she did: now all you could hear was a loud breathy whisper: "Clifford didn't want ice cream so he walked across the street to the car wash..." I can't believe that her kindergarten experience is almost half over; school gets out June 10. I already signed her up for summer camp after reading some mom's freakout online about getting a jumpstart on summer. She is an overall sunny person, a great big sister. She is always looking out for her younger brother - keeping him from getting hurt (grabbing a knife) and then turning around and (unintentionally) hurting him in the process (tackling him to the ground).

She is very observant and pretty mature for her age. I sometimes feel like I'm speaking with someone twice as old as she is. She's also a little bossy and exacting though not to an obnoxious degree. She has a hard time with the girl cliques (yes there is such as thing as a 5 year old queen bee) but we're working through each situation. It's so hard to do this with her because it brings up my own fear of rejection and disapproval. I remember the many times I faced or avoided (girl) bullies in my school. It was and is so much easier for me to tell off a man than a woman. Bad of me, isn't t?

Wait, I can yell at pretty much anyone as long as I feel justified. I have to be (extra/double extra) sure of myself but I have been known to yell at someone if I feel like I'm getting the raw end of the deal. It's the crispy kimchee in me. All that spicy fermentation needs an outlet. I digress. My daughter is facing that pack mentality of (most not all) girls that drives me crazy. I understand the need for companionship or common ground or even to not feel like a loner freak. But I don't understand or feel comfortable with the whole let's all dress like each other, do exactly the same thing and all hang out at the mall together. I never understood it when I was 12 either. I wish I could give her a mental shield and helmet to wear as she goes through these next 15 years so she can deflect the mean words, judgment and conformist bullshit thrown at her by her fellow girls. Whew, I'm glad I'm turning 40.

25 Random Things Re Me

2009-02-05T21:41:00.000-08:00

1. I tried out for the movie Joy Luck Club and made it to the next level after cattle call. They asked me to read for the character Waverly.

2. I taught Sunday School.

3. I worked at Tower Books when I was in high school.

4. I used to drink gin and tonics - now I can barely drink half a glass of wine.

5. When I was six, I wanted to change my name to Maria. I loved Mexican dancing with those big skirts.

6. I can't sit down to eat in my kitchen unless it is totally clean.

7. My first car was a bright orange VW van. Yes, I took my driver's test with it.

8. Sometimes, I wish I still smoked. (I know, smoke kills)

9. I love steak, cake and Korean food but not all in one day.

10. My favorite childhood memory is riding my bike with no hands around my neighborhood.

11. I have my own Razor scooter.

12. I ran my first 5k six months after my daughter was born. I didn't lose ANY weight.

13. I love karaoke. The sappier the songs the better.

14. I hate pedicures.

15. When my little brother was born, I looked into the crib and thought - when is someone going to pick up their baby?

16. I've always wanted to be a writer. A famous writer.

17. I have a very large head. I wear a men's L or XL. One time I won a contest in my office for largest head (measured by circumference). Luckily the head measurer covered for me and said someone else won. I might have won for smallest hands.

18. I've been told that I'm a very good listener and give sound advice.

19. I believe I will die one day of too much diet coke.

20. I hate Sunday nights.

21. I took piano for 8 years and still can't really play a tune without music.

22. When I lived in NY, I saw Al Pacino, Madonna, Uma Thurman, Al Franken and Jackie Kennedy!

23. My favorite pasttime is talking with friends in a nice restaurant with all the time in the world.

24. I cannot walk across the Golden Gate Bridge without breaking out into a cold sweat.

25. I used to be able to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge.

Nannyland....it ain't no Disney

2009-01-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

I went to the library today with my two kids for storytime. It was packed with children and their caregivers. Not moms but caregivers, the PC word for babysitter these days. I was astonished at the small number of moms that were present. These nannies were fine nannies - their charges looked clean and well looked after but the whole scene made me feel strange. It felt as though mothers were now extinct and nannies were the new species to care for children. I felt like a weirdo like I churned my own butter! The nannies gathered together and you could tell they were all friends by the ease in which they took care of each other's children and their conversation. The library lego table was their water cooler and they obviously came here frequently to exchange gossip, talk about their employers and other stuff. I wish, wish, wish that I had subtitles to the whole conversation. I know a few Spanish words so what I picked up was mas (more), trabajo (work), quando (when). So from what I could piece together one of them was bitchin about either having too much or not enough work. heh. I can't say any of them were great a discipline or "being present" for their kids. In fact, most were having fun than working. $25 bucks an hour for hanging out at the water cooler.

Hey I've got a good one!

2009-01-07T14:57:00.001-08:00

What did the hat say to the coat rack?
"You stay here. I'm going to go on a-head!"

Random thoughts going round and round

2009-01-01T11:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while. I've been on the "hamster wheel" of parenting as my good friend PCho would say. These past two weeks have given me a chance to hibernate, shop (gotta keep the economy going), eat carbs, and sleep in until 10 a.m. several days in a row (amen!). So I emerge now roly-polier, more relaxed, with less cash and a little discombobulated. I always have a ton of random thoughts in my head so I'd like to spew them here. Sort of like a discount bin at Marshall's. No wait that sounds unsavory - how about a beautiful basket of Hermes scarves?

1) I'm so excited for Barack Obama to become president. We've hyped him up quite a bit. As a PR professional (ahem!), I believe he has no where to go but down. Media rollercoaster, here we come! I will be watching the inauguration Tuesday, Jan. 20 - wearing my team's colors: red/white/blue!
2) 2009 is the year my fellow '69ers turn 40. Gasp. To those over 40, please turn away from the screen lest you judge my next few thoughts. I can't fucking believe I'm turning 40. I can't process it. It seems like the beginning of the end. My friend's mother said turning 50 is worse but what can we do? I will just have to become more fabulous.
3) My son is walking! He speaks: da-da, do-do. He points to me and to himself on command. So cute, yeah? Don't let him fool ya. The boy is like a violent badger at times. He has the strength of a much bigger man. He claws, screams and kicks too. It's an education since my daughter was very gentle. Even at 14 months, he wakes up a few times a night due to his eczema (poor baby) but we are hanging in there. His Daddy and I take turns. The other night I held his (not so small) body in my arms and I felt like crying because I was so tired of it all. My emotions are so unpredictable. When people ask me how I am, I often don't really know. The true sign of being a mom: You don't really know! ha!
4) The eerie quiet of Dead Week a.k.a. the holidays. This is probably a blog post unto itself. I have always had a hard time with the holidays. So much expectation both met and unfulfilled. I was always the anxious kid around the holidays who didn't know what to expect and felt like the whole event was weird. That sentiment has stayed with me. I'm not like a lot of other people I know who relish this season: hot chocolate, big cozy sweaters, decorating trees, etc. I do LOVE gifts - not so much receiving them but for giving them - wrapping gifts, the anticipation of watching people open them - hoping that they will appreciate them, etc.

That's it for now...can't wait for school to start! Freedom!

Dbonz

2008-11-25T21:29:00.001-08:00

Daniel is my smiley boy. He smiles even when he is sick. He has this persistent cough but he still manages to smile when you call him or meet his eyes. He has this giant oval shaped head - it's hard to explain but it sits perched upon this stocky little body. I'm so used to Sophie's tranquil girly serenity that his little ball of fists and fury sometimes overwhelm me. Oftentimes, I laugh at it because it so cute. I guess it's like when forest rangers take in wolf puppies. So cuddly and soft until one day they eat your cat. Ok, bad analogy. I do think I'm in for a helluva ride with both of them. Hopefully they won't challenge us too much. Lord have mercy. Even as I wrote that sentence I know they will challenge us for every ounce of sense we have. But for now....

He is so sweet. I can't pass by his room without him making a happy grunt or needy cry. One time I actually got down on the ground and crawled by his room so he wouldn't see me. It didn't work - he heard the scuffling plus I'm not that agile anymore. I had to quit my job as a mime long ago. I'm so curious as to what my little boy is going to be - will he be a stocky little athlete who's happy go lucky and hangs out with football players? or will he be a quiet artist (please God no). I guess I wish for him a very happy life - one where he knows who he is, how much he is loved, the fact that he can love others and finally that he has a passion in life - a focus where he enjoys putting his time and God-given talents. But please don't become a minister, please not a minister. Oy.

Thank you, God.

2008-11-25T21:16:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted. A few things have happened in the last month:

- kicked my sleeping issue - its all anxiety issues...same stuff, diff. day. it's a third generation problem. I blame my Confucian ancestors who were probably repressed, anxious warriors.

- Daniel is now walking (at 1 year!)

- we had S' first parent teacher conference (yikes tho it's all good)

- my good friend, P, left me for the Jerzey Shorr where she actually gets to visit all the places I read about in my New Yorker. Eat a lot of good K-food for me, Cho-P!

- hosted my first official playdate in kindygarten incl. providing a nutritious lunch for two 5 year olds!

- finally admitted i need daycare - economy or no economy.

- finally admitted i need a housekeeper.

- finally admitted i need to chill.

- finally admitted that I need peeps. not the easter candy.

- finally admitted that i will turn 40 next year. Holy nutburgers, Batman!

Funny lines from S-child:

- Upon leaving Peetz after Dbonz took an impressively smelly poop in his pants about 2 minutes after we got there, she looks at me and says, "Mom, we should name him In-n-Out Poopburger!"

Sweet lines from S-child:

- I know you get tired of hearing me say this all day but Mom, I love you.

A memory I will cherish forever:

- Watching Dbonz and S-child freshly bathed (of course) playing in their PJs in Sophie's room - climbing over each other. Fighting a little bit but sharing the same space and being sibs. So innocent, beautiful and awesome. I could watch them forever - if only they wouldn't make any demands on me.

A fact you don't need to know:

- I'm growing out my bangs - so is my daughter.

peace out.

Comment on sleeping habits

2008-10-18T15:26:00.000-07:00

I've been having trouble sleeping again. Old habits die hard. Anyway, I was talking to my friend Debbie and told her that when you don't sleep with underwear on - the whole bed becomes like a giant pair of underpants....you know the sheets on the bed are like your underwear...never mind.

Sundays

2008-10-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Sunday:

Why do I loathe you? I don't even have a 9to5 job and I still loathe you. You do not bring the fresh air relief and giggly giddiness of Friday night (can I remember that feeling before kids?) or the ripe, sunshine-y fun of Saturday. You are Sunday. A utilitarian type of day; just 24 stainless steel hours. A day of chores, a big leaky day, ticking away our precious moments of free time before Monday. I usually go to church (www.alcf.net) on Sundays - it helps center me, focus on God and brushes the inside of my brain with Comet. I come away feeling lighter, refreshed and jazzed for a burrito. Today I missed church. I felt like a big bowl-less goldfish, flopping around gasping for life force. I'm so freakin' dramatic. Ok, so I felt a little floaty without my Jesus dose. So now I'm downloading gospel music (cause I like my Jesus music laden with R&B grooves and a giant back-up choir) and feeling better.

The list you've all been waiting for! Small Town Girl's anxiety list!

1) My kid's allergies - wheat, corn, peas - this kid is going to live on sushi. Watching him like a hawk so he doesn't pick up his sister's food or old crumbs off the ground. No more ER visits please!!!

2) My career replaced by profound knowledge of infant poop, vomit and pee!

3) The crazy economy, our dwindling 401Ks, terrorists, what if that old dude wins the election?!

4) My old 60s (untouched, totally original) rancher. When I watch "Mad Men", I recognize my kitchen.

5) How all this affects my sleep. I used to have crazy GI problems in elementary school due to stress, those were replaced by anxiety attacks in college/young adulthood. Now I'm just a sleepless bag of doorknobs when I get stressed.

6) No more stomach muscles.

7) Too much diet coke. Yes, I believe I need to stop this terrible habit of drinking canned drano. It's not good.

That's all for now. hey, it feels good to barf this out online.

Random notes

2008-09-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

Just some random thoughts from my small brain:

- Sarah Palin has some giant ass cajones. She was on the city council in 1992 and 16 years later she is up for VP of USA. That's a pretty vertical career climb and from Alaska no less. She reminds me of a pageant contestant: oozing charm, bouncy hair and lipsticked to the max. She is the stomach-able version of a female political candidate for the Republican man: attractive, opposite of butch, providing some sexual tension during meetings, not getting too detailed with policy - leaving that "hard" stuff to the men. I'm in shock that she got this far but apparently she was being groomed for years. I'm amazed. Where is my career going?

- I am an unapologetic suburbanite. Or maybe I just hate San Francisco. I love Paris, Amsterdam, New York (if I was a billionaire) but SF just really makes me ill. It's dirty, everything is so far apart...all the neighborhoods are spread out. I don't like the whole hippy vibe. It drives me nuts, I think. I used wallow in it, admire it but now I just get the skkeeved out. sorry golden gate.

- My husband and I have been married for 10 years; together for 14 years if you include our dating years. He is turning 40 in two days. I'm not mushy but he's my true soulmate. He gets me and I get him. We have the same sense of humor and view of the world and we understand each other and appreciate each other. We love our family and share same values. I wouldn't want anyone else as a Dad to my kids. He's my rock - keeps my tethered to the ground though he might say the same of me.

Hi, my name is Christine and I'm a stay at home mom

2008-08-06T01:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true. I'm not making any bucks so this must be the case. Up until now, I've told about a dozen people mostly other moms that I am not working any longer. It feels strange. I feel unmoored, lacking my old identity. I do LIKE not working in some sense. I can spend time with my kids without distraction or niggling need to check email or scheduling in my head when I can work after they go to sleep. It is a relief in that sense. We'll see how it goes.

Stick two straws in my soul and suck!

2008-07-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: If you are pregnant or thinking of having children, don't read any further!

My kids are draining me of my lifeforce. I may be experiencing post-vacation re-entry syndrome (we visited Boulder for six days and got back yesterday) but today was one of the hardest days of my two-kid life. I told hubcap (my husband) that my two kids basically took two industrial strength straws and stuck them in my head and sucked on them all day. I conjured up this disgusting image to convey its assault-like pain. It's real and it hurts like surgery, organ removal or just touching your organs and then sewing you back up again. I'm known for dramatizing everyday life perhaps even over-dramatizing but kids take you for everything you have or were saving up for a rainy day. Did I mention they suck you dry? Anyway, I think I need to up my meds or something either that or win the lottery and get a full time nanny. I'm done.

Oh by the way, happy birthday to me. 39 big fat ones! Jessica Simpson and I have the same birthday.

Ready, set, SLO!

2008-06-19T23:47:00.001-07:00

I think I'm insane. Why else would I agree to go on a roadtrip with my family? The zany cast of characters include 2 type A grandparents, 1 whiny 4.5 yo and 1 demanding infant? I is crazy. (not a typo; you read that right) The bright side? We will be driving in style in our new (used) car (Toyota Highlander - the last of the streamlined model). The little lovely will be mine! Yay! I washed my VW Passat today as I passed it to my husband. I love that car despite it's consistent need for repairs. It was speedy, sleek! Goodbye, my friend? I get strangely attached to my cars - actually to anything. I'm probably the only person I know who gets sad as they drive away from Goodwill after a drop-off. Must be similar to the sensation toddlers have upon leaving a poop in the toilet during toilet training. The explanation from the head experts is that the little kid feels like he is leaving part of his body behind - a kidney - you know something they might need. Could that hefty bag of old Banana Republic pants and my senior prom beaded bag represent a part of my body? Hmmmm.....

So.....I've been at this "mom" gig for 4.5 years now with a promotion to "mom of two" 7 months ago. I have to say it's been a crazy ride. Crazy good and bad. Crazy good in that it has introduced two wonderful, wise, hug worthy souls in my life. Crazy bad in that I often feel like I've been swimming in sludge. Motherhood definitely forces you to slow down. Do you have aspirations of getting anything done today? As they say in New York: Fuhgeddaboutit! I really hate this aspect of having kids - I have yet to accept this. Instead I grit my teeth (rhyme words with fuck), snap at small, defenseless kids and get really frustrated. Yeah, it's a struggle.

Funny lines:
Hey mom do you know why my face looks like this? (frown) because I just took a poo!

7 months

2008-06-16T00:39:00.000-07:00

My little Daniel is already 7 months old. He loves to roll over, sit up, clasp his fists together and put them in his mouth, laugh at us, squeal with delight when we play peek a boo with him, make random people at Costco (insert any store here) think they are the only people in the world to make him laugh. We took him to the pool at my parents' club last week and he sat there for a long time just splashing his tiny fists in the water, alternating each arm - splashing himself and sipping chlorinated water all the while. (Good mommy!) I love smelling his nice little head - really dreamy. Mike even said he liked doing it too. They should bottle it up. Course only we would buy it.

Sophie is a beautiful, curious, tomboy. She is adjusting well to her new role in our family - big sister, the "authority" on all things in the home including her little brother. I love watching her explain to our babysitter or whomever issues regarding Daniel - about how he likes to laugh, his pooping habits (he turns really RED), and his eczema. We got her "report card" or progress report from her school last week and it was pretty glowing. She needs to work on her assertiveness - gee that sounds familiar, right? I can be assertive if I'm mad otherwise I can be too accommodating. Role model!

Who's the big crybaby?

2008-06-10T00:29:00.001-07:00

So, I haven't written in a while. Why? Cuz, I'm tired, fool! My little 7 month old dude (a.k.a. Dano, Big D, Danbo, DJ Jazzy Jeff) keeps waking up in the middle of the night sometimes 2xs a night. He's clearly not like his big sis who slept 12 hours night when she turned 2 months. Last week I was so tired that I couldn't really focus on anything. Chores went undone so the house was a mess. I couldn't really muster up the energy to do anything except imbibe diet coke and eat carbs (let's see some of my favorites Kettle Krinkle Cut Potato Chips with salt and freshly ground pepper, tortilla chips, chocolate, cookies). It was a sorry scene. My friends kept telling me to let him cry it out. I couldn't bring myself to do it until one night I got mad at the little bugger for waking me up 3xs!!!! So I said to him (silently of course), "You think you're tough little guy...well, Mommy is tougher. Bring it on little man! Tomorrow night will be a different story." Please remember I was tired and letting off steam. If you're not a mom, then shut yer trap and keep reading or hop off here and go read perezhilton.com - it's good stuff. So you could probably figure out the rest - the next night I let him cry it out. It hurt me more than I anticipated. I felt tense, upset and anxious cuz my little D was crying for his momma who was trying to teach him something. Boy, his crying made my heart hurt (I'm the true crybaby) BUT after 20 minutes - he stopped and kept sleeping!!! I was so happy. The next night he did the same and so far he's been doing it off and on but more on than off. Once I got a full night's sleep or closer to it - I felt like a different person. I could think clearly and rationally and actually get stuff done around the house. Actual planning rather than reacting! Miracles can/do happen. Knock on a giant redwood tree!

Top ten realizations of the day...

2008-05-21T21:44:00.000-07:00

1) My daughter likes giving presentations.
2) My son's eczema is very stubborn.
3) I need to workout in order not to go crazy.
4) I love these frozen quesadillas from Costco.
5) My mom loves the Nordstrom's half yearly sale.
6) I only like it.
7) I love to read blogs especially ones about food and observations of life by bitter, cynical people.
8) Eating spicy Korean tofu soup gives me really bad gas.
9) So does drinking a giant fountain diet drink.
10) I am tired of seeing Hillary pretend to be a blue-collar, Annie Oakley. Drop out already!

Hot vs. Warm

2008-05-14T23:56:00.001-07:00

When the temp reaches 80s, I usually describe it as "boiling" or "hot" followed by a wail of "I'm so hot I'm going to die." Or "I feel like I'm going to burst into flames." My husband (who grew up in Oklahoma) will respond by saying slowly, "yeah, it's warm." This kind of encapsulates our roles in the marriage. I'm prone to exaggeration followed by emotional outbursts and he strives for technical accuracy and a tight lid. Observe your friends and family. Tally up the braying drama queens who scream about how hot it is vs. the ones who agree with you that "Yes, it is quite warm today..."

The Sentinel (a guest post)

2008-05-13T19:23:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago we noticed birds trying to build a nest in our front-porch light fixture, so we chased them away and cleared out the sticks. The other day we saw they were at it again. It took a couple days to get around to pulling out the stepstool and reaching up to the light. The biggest clump was on top of the light so I reached over my head and pulled it out gently. To my surprise I was holding a nest with 6 small green eggs. I froze and stammered to Christine, "there's eggs!" She cried back in dismay, "Put it back! Put it back!" During this process birds were fluttering with some alarm around the porch area. I put the nest back, clearly not as securely as before and missing some of the substructure which I'd already disturbed. We were quite worried the birds saw us take their nest or would pick up our scent and abandon the nest. Through the front door glass we watched anxiously to see if they'd return. The momma bird was perched on the gutter and made a few trips to places unknown but kept returning.

Finally, some hours later, we spied her serenely back on duty in her nest and we breathed some relief. Most likely the light was acting like an incubator and they couldn't resist the warmth of the spot. Now, I guess we're signed up to monitor the progress of the eggs and what we hope is their hatching. We worry about fire so I'll switch out the light for a CF unit, and worry about the eventual hatchlings' first foray out of the nest and the hard patio beneath. But that's in the future, and we, like the birds, take things in stride.

Here's a photo of momma bird at work. Happy Mother's day!

Spicy chicken sandwich, you hurt me...

2008-05-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

I went to a blog workshop tonight but had to leave early because I felt sick. I think I got food poisoning from dinner - serves me right - spicy chicken sandwich with a big ol' diet coke. I broke my three day streak of low carbs/no diet coke. Day one and day two were grand; my mood lifted - my poochy went down a little - I was walking on air. Tonight though post-sandwich, my stomach was like "whoa" and then my head was like "oh no" and then well you can imagine what happened next. Why all this change? A few days ago, I decided that I needed to get healthier, treat my body right and stop abusing it with chemicals. Its tough to make good choices especially when making bad choices makes you feel good albeit momentarily. This two kid arrangement is trying my patience and resilience. Just when I think I got it down - those two cute munchkins punch me down with their tiny fists of fury. Very cute tiny fists of fury. Kind of like..."When Ewoks Attack." My venting is over. I'm tired. Tomorrow is another day.

Death to Poochy

2008-04-29T23:32:00.000-07:00

My poochy makes me sad and my sadness makes my poochy. For the uneducated, my poochy is the thick layer of skin, fat and old socks that surrounds my midriff. My lithe young body (ok when I was 15) is now a dog-eared journal chronicling the violence of two births. I'm was a canon for two flesh bullets called Sophie and Daniel. Ok, I'm just flexing my metaphor muscle. Let me say it simply - I'm just fat and that's that. My condition is not helped by my self-medicating with caffeine and carbs (chocolate, cake, croissants, rice). Solutions are hard. (more whining to follow) I went to the gym yesterday and just felt bored. I walked out after 30 minutes of cardio and a few half hearted reps on the inner thigh sexy squeezy machines. Yeah, I can hear your judgment a mile away - you're saying get over it - there's far bigger tragedies in life than your fucking poochy. ok, but my poochy makes me sad and...

From the mouths of babes:
"Mom, I want you to put ice cream in my mouth right now!"
"Are you going to take a nap when we get home? Cuz, I want to watch my shows."

Transitions:
I need a new career. Please post your suggestions in the comment box.

Questions/observations:
I like polite coffee workers but hate it when they get too chummy with everyone in line. Why? Because it takes too fucking long to get through the line. Just say hi, how are you - get the fucking order and then move on to the next customer. In short, don't be so nice to everyone with the chitchat - we're in a big hurry! You know, to get to the mall, our house to watch TV, to go to the gym or to pick up our laundry.

Charlie...

2008-04-17T23:31:00.001-07:00

Space Kimchi

2008-04-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

A quick video about one of my favorite foods and its virgin journey into space! Why is kimchi going to space? Why because it needs to nourish the neurons of a Korean of course! Yi Soyeon is the first Korean astronaut to fly into space and she be a woman, beyotches! In this video, I love the senior food engineer who says Yi would not survive in space without kimchi - that she would have all kinds of problems without it! I love my kimchi too but don't have it everyday and certainly don't have any problems. Enjoy!

Here's to friends who "get" you!

2008-04-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

Today I had lunch with my good friend R - she has 3 kids and is a kind, compassionate, funny and just all around great gal. Whenever we get together I always feel so much lighter afterwards. We share, grouse, laugh and gossip about everything from families, work, health, spirituality. It's definitely an intense convo but rich with detail. I divulge a lot of stuff to her that I don't normally tell friends even close ones. I guess the big thing is trust. I trust her with the information - I don't think she will judge me or even if she does a little I know she cares. Thanks R for being such a good friend.

favor

2008-04-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

Beautiful favor from my friend C's birthday party!

Catching up

2008-04-13T16:31:00.000-07:00

- I went to a 40th birthday party today - it was a beautiful location, rose centerpieces, silver place settings, the works. I wore my Jackie O white jacket. Everyone got up and said one word about the birthday girl. Her mom got up and talked about her life and what she'd accomplished. She also brought all this memorabilia from her life: Christening cards (!), photos, school jackets, graduation pictures. I thought it was great - I also thought about me doing this for S and D. This is my 4th 40th birthday party for friends. People are leaping off the cliff of middle age one after the other. I picture this conveyer belt with all of us on it in a line. I'm next.

- Saying no. I hate saying no. My parents called yesterday and asked us if we wanted to have dinner tonight. I wanted to say yes but said no because I knew we'd be tired after a crazy Saturday with birthday parties and guests. I always blame it on my husband but deep down inside it's really for me. I need downtime. I need time to myself to lay down if even in my head. I think my max for hanging out with someone is about 3-5 hours then I need solitary confinement.

- Getting in shape. I'm really trying harder these days. I've sweated to the oldies on my ancient Nordic Track in my dining room and have signed up for BabyBootCamp. So we'll see if I can make this late-30s gut go away. Let's just say my side profile is looking a bit lumpy for my taste. My breasts have a little bit of company. (i.e. roly poly front view).

Triple

2008-03-24T19:00:00.001-07:00

My good friend Diane came to visit me for three days - yay! Diane is one of my best friends. We are both from the same hometown but we never met until college. She went to my rival high school but our paths never crossed until that fateful day in Berkeley. She was my freshman roommate in a "triple" room - a tiny closet that was supposed to fit three people. Picture the smallest bedroom you can think and add to it a giant bunkbed, a twin bed, three desks and three dressers, oh yeah and a garbage can. This is already crowded quarters but add to it our 6 foot tall, swimmer roomie. We were these two short, er, more petite Asian American women, flanking this Amazonian blondie chick. We felt like Benetton bookends. Anyhoo, it was an atrocious living situation - I can't believe I lived like that. Diane and I shared a bunkbed while Ms. Six Foot had the twin bed - gad knows she needed her own bed but that's another blogpost. We all knew each other's business, clothing, bathing, sleeping, study habits. How could you not? Despite it all, Diane and I had fun, figuring out how to navigate school, social lives, and men! I had a closetfull of unwearable clothes that my dear mum sent me off to school with - appropriate only for 30-something Junior League-ers. Remember Albert Nipon? I looked like Nancy Reagan at 19. A very beautiful Korean version of the wife of our former president. He, he. I think my mom watched too much Peyton Place while she was a young lass in Korea. Every parenting tip she has ever walloped or pistol whipped me over the head with has its origins in some weird 1950s principle that she learned from American movies or her own overly strict parents. I digress... Oh yeah, where was I? Frosh dorm with Diane. Yes, we loved us some Terence Trent D'Arby - remember him and his Wishing Well??? I also went to my first concert with Diane - REM in Oakland. Very cool. Also, I think we went to see U2 that year as well. I felt immediately hip, feeling my 18 year old nerdy skin slip off me like wax on a lightbulb.

Our dorm was designated for major remodeling so during the last night - we (the dorm people not me, geesh) proceeded to rip it apart - tearing off ceiling tiles, moving sofas into the elevator, removing all lightbulbs - just chaos. The place was in shambles but little did we know that we were doing the "demo" phase of their remodel!

I often wish I could go back to college with my now seasoned brain and soul - I would do it so much better, get so much out of it, actually retain information/education. I think I would never stop looking at myself in the mirror - last time I weighed 115 lbs. Though I would not want to live in a triple...

Brain gone. Blame kids.

2008-03-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

I'm losing my mind. Forgetting lots of things and late to everything. D has a cold and has been waking me up 2xs a night. It's been frustrating and tiring. I'm getting zombie-ish but still smiling. S has been great - a great 4 year old helper. More later...

This cracks me up everytime

2008-03-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

Thank you nice lady...

2008-03-15T23:28:00.000-07:00

On Friday at Peets in PA, I saw the woman anesthesiologist who gave me my awesome spinal for D's birth. It was perfect. It wasn't the horrifying - I'm suffocating - feeling that I had with S's birth that left me a crumpled mental mess. I could still move my feet and the numbness stopped at my chest. Anyway, I saw her and stopped her to say thank you. She looked surprised but then smiled. I chattered at her for about 5 minutes and she got to see D and S strewn about me at my table. It was a nice moment. I'm glad I got to see her. Yay.

Other notes:

I'm tired of being sick. Everyone is sick at my house right now - including little D - his tiny nostrils clogged with baby boogers. Sad. So we're just waiting for summer to melt this terrible mucous hold on our house. Gross me out the door.

Heed my warning...

2008-03-04T22:52:00.000-08:00

Never fall asleep at 6:00 p.m. ever. Today was a particularly trying day with my two chillens. The last thing I remember is lying down on my daughter's bed to "read her a story." When I woke up, my husband was home at 7 p.m. commenting that our house turned into Freaky Friday since my daughter was in my bed and I was in hers. Not sure why she went to my bed when there is plenty of room in hers. Tit for tat? The story would have been ok had I gotten up at 7 but noooooooo I had to be a greedy, slothful MF-er and sleep another two hours. I roused from my slumber at 9 p.m. which sucketh because I was disoriented, puffy (too much diet coke) and did I mention disoriented? Now it's 11 p.m. and I'm not at all sleepy in the words of Olivia the pig. What to do? Makes me want to climb in my car and go clubbing....kidding!

How random!

2008-03-04T00:45:00.000-08:00

A few arrows from my bow:

- I'm cooking a lot. I used to hate cooking. Ask anyone who knows me - I hated to cook. The whole process: list making, shopping, prepping, cooking, cleaning - fuck, it's tiresome. I hated it. But I like to cook now. I'm reading cooking blogs, trying out recipes, thinking about dinner at 9 a.m. I think it's because in these unchartered waters (ie: 2 kids, career on hold, mortgage, tons of gray hair, loose skin) I want to follow directions and belly up to my conductor's seat (in front of the stove) and create some music!!! Saute chopped onions until translucent, add garlic and cover with lid. These are instructions I can depend on, lean on and I will receive a predictable result. Never mind my four year old who is asking me every question under the sun - for which I don't usually have an answer. By the way, her last question broke my heart - like her I am the oldest. She asked me - Mom, you love me awesomely right? (I said - YES!) She then asked - But you don't love D (her little bro) awesomely? (I said - I love you both the same amount) This answer met with a little frown and judgmental brow shift. She didn't like this answer. She's learning that life is not fair and that makes me sad. Now back to cooking...

- On Monday, D (my 4 month old chubberlunk of a son) ate his first solid food! For the record, he ate half a container of bananas! He loved it, communicating his love with lip smacking and plenty of drool. After this momentous occasion, he passed out in his bassinet in the middle of our kitchen, snoring away with dreams of future strange sticky sweet foods that might come his way...

- Small chip on my shoulder: Lately, a few people have told me that I'm funny. Now, I know I can tell a good joke and that I have weird observations which I like to share with (well) anyone! But...my reaction to this is discomfort. Why? Because I'm totally insecure, dumbass! No seriously, I think it's because women aren't supposed to be funny...it de-feminizes them. I feel less than feminine when I'm making people laugh especially women in front of men. I have hang-ups ....don't pretend that you don't.

- Life is precious so be real with each other. Two of my parents' friends have died suddenly in last month - both in late 60s. It just reinforces to me that the best things in life are friends and family and that when you feel something (love, admiration, want to compliment, share a happy memory) you should share it right then and there - don't hold back and think that you will have another chance because the truth is that you might not. Here's to eliminating regret.

Not on your worst enemy...

2008-02-21T02:02:00.000-08:00

On Monday, I found out I had a touch of pnemonia. Not sure what a touch means. Maybe it means that the pnemonia fairy came and gently tapped me on the left lung with her magic powder, leaving me frail, feverish and wanting to die for the next 48 hours. That MUST be it! It all started on Saturday evening when I just finished a triumphant dinner party to celebrate the birth (read: ripping from my body) of my boy (the he-man child known as lil D). In attendance: my parents and my hubby's parents - aka the Korean immigrants dining with the descendants of the Mayflower. Can you say oil and water or ice cream and artichokes? I digress. So I'm getting ready for bed and I start to feel a little ill - fast forward several hours and I'm tossing and turning and then having chills. Not any kind of chills but the kind where your fingers hurt because they are so cold and you can't get warm even wearing all your PJs, a down coat and all your blankets. Your body aches because it is shivering from the inside out. Damn. Anyway, just to make things worse I was bedridden for two days while my in-laws were in town so they hung out while I hung out in my bed under all those blankets. So if you ever get pnemonia - think of me and just realize that someone else had it a little worse than you did.

Random notes:
Here's a great quote from S. - Mom, did you know that our bodies are meat?

Things I never get tired of...

2008-02-13T00:43:00.000-08:00

1. Smelling my baby's head or holding my little girl's small hand.
2. Holding my hubby's hand. Talking with him about random topics.
3. Laughing uncontrollably with friends.
4. Going out for dinner with a friend I haven't seen for a while and catching up.
5. Singing, listening to my favorite tunes...incl. hand slappin' gospel music.
6. Dancin' all crazy in my kitchen with my little girl and her Dad.
7. Staring at my babies.
8. Driving at night while listening to my fave tunz, the older and cheesier the better...Lionel, you feel me?
9. Reading gossip rags.
10. Sitting in a cafe with a great book and no schedule to follow.
11. Walking around a new city.

Korean roots and I don't mean Ginseng...

2008-02-02T00:13:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been reflecting a lot on my heritage (and my parents) because it is the primary force that shaped me into who I am today. When I say heritage I don't mean just the customs and traditions of Korea but I mean the firsthand experience of being a minority. It might seem strange to talk about being a minority in Silicon Valley in 2008 where you can't swing a cat without knocking down (pissing off and possibly scaring) 20 Asians but when I was growing up in the 70s - people did not even know what or where Korea was. I think I was the only Asian in my class through 3rd grade. In fact when people asked me where I was from they would say - are you from China or Japan. When I responded Korea, they said, huh? where is that? I couldn't answer because I had no idea either. Great, talk about alienation. You don't even know where you're from. I heard someone describe my status as being a "double minority" where you don't belong anywhere even in your country of origin. For example, I don't speak fluent Korean and what Korean I do speak is in heavily accented American, sniffed out by Korean taxi drivers, waitresses and grocery clerks. I'm used to it by now but when I was in my 20s it drove me nuts.

Thank the Lord God that I went to Berkeley for college and "rediscovered" my roots (aka going to a lot of Asian dances and clubs) and got happily lost in a sea of black hair - among people who went through the same confusing experience I did. We all had to explain to our parents what a sleepover was. My parents couldn't understand why I would want to sleep over someone else's house when I had a perfectly good bed at home. Sleepovers must have been for orphans or the homeless. We had to hear about how our parents only had one pair of shoes and even that one pair was two sizes too small. How they had to run away from the Japanese or North Koreans in the middle of the night in the snow barefoot. How they were starving and had to share one bowl of rice among 7 family members. I also had to sign my own permission slips (not sure why) and I had to type out my parents lease forms for their rental properties because I could write better English than they could. Weird, huh? But that's routine for children of first gen. immigrants. You're like a permanent tour guide - younger, wiser but powerless.

My parents immigrated to this country (Minnesota - the whitest place you can imagine) in the mid-60s not knowing a soul here, bringing with them only their ambition, wits and strong desire to get away from Korea. I don't think they knew what they were in for but they knew what they wanted to leave behind. With nothing, they managed to build a great life for themselves and support their parents back home. You can imagine the pressure on me to succeed having all the advantages that they didn't have. From day one - my mom was all business. Her mantra was - You have to have a focus! Don't hang out with friends but tend to your priorities. I was always taught that you needed to focus on your goals, get shit done and work hard to get what you want. (Course I collected a lot of mental baggage along the way) but in general they laid down a good foundation of how to get through life.

I guess all this reflection is brought on by having my second kid and wondering how I will bring them up. I suppose my parents emphasis on achievement will color my parenting style somewhat but I will also give them more room to be themselves and not encase them with expectations. I want my kids to experience PURE JOY - you know the kind that is without guilt or self censorship. When they have this in abundance then will I be happy...

Gettin' squirrely...

2008-01-29T12:10:00.000-08:00

I was pretty zen up until today. Now I'm getting squirrely... What's squirrely? Cabin fever. Crazy town. Looney tunes. Snappish. Bitchy. Forgetful. Loosey goosey. I luv me my childrens but they be drivin' me ba-na-na. My mom offered to babysit but S. looks a little sick still. She had a fever two days ago and I kept her home yesterday from school.

Oy, they beckon me now. I must go.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

2008-01-22T23:43:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while because I've been livin', doin' and just bein'. It's easy following this routine with two kids under 5. One drinks 5 oz of milk every 2.5 hours and the other has to be entertained constantly: video games, TV, reading books, crafts, playing trains, drawing, watercolor, puzzles, sweeping dead worms into the garden (don't ask!). My dear friends know that I hate change and like my sphere of safety but this is getting ridiculous! Everyday I start up the engine that is our family and keep the wheels running the whole day whether this is wiping butts, washing bottles, cleaning the house for the millionth time, meal planning or picking up cranky 4 year olds from school who want to eat ice cream for dinner. Pulllease MOM, she asks targeting her big brown eyes (with extra thick eyelashes) at me. I can practically feel the wind generated by those eyes....

Truthfully, I'm too busy to really analyze what's going on, who am I, where am I going - these questions are those of a nubile 19 year old with no kids, spouse or household to run not of a 38 year old woman whose entire family would starve to death (ok, I'm exaggerating) if she didn't go to Trader Joe's TODAY!!! It's kind of like the Mom's version of the rat race... I know now why my Mom would always fall asleep at 8:30 every night in front of the TV - while the rest of her family observed her slack jawed slumber with amazement. Does she have narcolepsy, we wondered. No, she's just fucking tired from wiping our asses.

Dear Mom, thanks for wiping my ass and for also caring enough about us to keep the wheel going. Love, C.

Random thoughts:
- I'm really sad Heath Ledger died. Life is fragile, so cliche but true. The older I get the more I realize that cliches are time worn truths. I don't roll my eyes at them when they are uttered instead I nod.

- Nicknames for my son: D-Bones, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Diggy, Tiny Boyfriend (this last one was coined by my husband). An aside: he is so cute and huggy that it's disgusting. Or is everyone disgusted with me? I forget.

- I took a yoga class with my good friend, Gloria, last week. It was relaxing but grueling. My main observation was that flexibility is not correlated with weight loss. How can people so flexible still look overweight? Cattiness aside - I kept thinking - as my hamstrings groaned under the strain of stretching - why am I doing this if I don't lose weight?

New Year's Resolutions

2008-01-03T19:13:00.000-08:00

1. Be kinder to my fellow man (this incl. family and friends)
2. Be more fit. Did I mention that I'm below my pre-pregnancy weight? Ok, I'll stop bragging now. But seriously, I've never been below 140 for past five years.
3. Write more. Fiction/short stories, plays. This blog helps.
4. Build my self-acceptance and acceptance of others. Stop putting myself down.
5. Drink more diet-coke (Ok, I had to throw in an easy one!)
6. Be more patient (this incl. with my two children under age 5)
7. Get more involved with my community (ok, one activity will satisfy this one)
8. Travel more (been working on this one for a while. Xanax anyone?)
9. Learn to be a better friend. (Generous, compromise, etc.)
10. Do more puzzles with Sophie (do I need to explain this one? It's about spending time with my first born, Ms. Sophie-Toons Yum Lenz.)

Random notes:
- I hate pedicures. I got my most recent one in my eighth month of pregnancy and I'm announcing to all two readers of this blog that I will never get another one. It hurts my feet or tickles uncomfortably and I always end up mad that I paid for the abuse.

- What's up with the nautical theme? Fashion 2008 alert. If you've been to the mall lately or even Target - you've noticed that everything is boatneck teas with navy blue stripes and green canvas jackets. Whaddup wid dat? I'm having flashbacks to highschool. Designers, whaddup? Did you have one too many all-night benders and forget to design. I'm beginning to think that I should never give any clothes away because they will always come back in style. This idea would work but my closet is not big enough.

- What I'm watching: Will and Grace reruns (LOVE this show), Jon and Kate Plus 8, Real Housewives of Orange, Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations

- What I love: the smell of Daniel's small head. Babies...ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Moving on...

2007-12-19T07:24:00.000-08:00

Hey! So this week is turning out better though I still feel anxious, etc. I think the cause is this new life full of responsibilities is putting me on edge. I'm getting used to it though and it's still punctuated by laughs generated by Big S and Little D.

I have to remember to keep my eye on the bigger picture and not get too wrapped up in all the minutiae of my chemically imbalanced brain. Focus on the positive, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Anyway, thanks to my peeps who are pulling me through...

Mom and Soph's excellent adventure!

2007-12-05T00:19:00.000-08:00

Today Sophie and I went to see a play - alone, in the middle of the day! It was the Elves and the Shoemaker, playing at Fremont High School (formerly the Indians and in a more PC age the Firebirds (?). Anyway, it was fun to drive her there and then meet up with her school chums. I've never seen a play with hundreds of 4 years old before. It WAS amazing...especially hearing their unsolicited commentary. Kinda like seeing a late night movie in Oakland but I digress. Sophie loved the show and she was all rosy cheeked when we left. She asked me if we could get the DVD of the play and see it again - I think she thought the show was being taped. Anyway, I had to explain to her that shows are one time only and scheduled for repeat performances. She looked disoriented when I told her this and then sad. So we just drove back in relative silence. I told her we could come back when they play it again. Hopefully I could send Mike! ;-)

Random notes

2007-12-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

Here are highlights, observations from past week:

1) Daniel is growing rapidly - he's awake for most of the day now, checking us out. It's a magical time - the only way I can describe it. My heart swells and I forget how tired I am.

2) It's been almost four weeks since birth. I'm much more mobile now. I took the two kids out in downtown Los Altos today - pizza and then ice cream for me and Sophie. Boob juice for lil' D.

3) Sophie is adjusting. I really feel for her as a fellow older sister. She's been moody but overall she's been a real sport.

4) Cal lost today! Damn.

5) Life with a newborn baby always seems to go really slowly. It's one long sleepy day or one long sleepless night. I'll be glad when lil D's stomach gets nice and big and he can show his big sister how much he can sleep. I pray he will be as good a sleeper as Sophinator. She slept through the night at 2 months - for 12 HOURS!!!!! She was awesome.

6) Food has definitely replaced sleep; carbs anyone? I do weigh less now than I did pre-pregnancy. Hoping to keep that up. Diabetes diet anyone?

Unrivaled intense chocolate experience...random post-Thanksgiving notes

2007-11-25T23:41:00.000-08:00

I found the title of today's entry from the wrapper of my Ghiradeli dark chocolate toffee bar. It was pretty intense. I love reading copy from ads, products, signage - you name it. Why? Because of the words, bro! I love words and what they can make you want to do, remind you to do or what they evoke in you. All leading up to you pulling out your credit card or cash wad to buy something you never thought you would need. (Costco also has this effect on people but it's more primitive - they sell by setting up huge piles of things like salamis, apple pies, telescopes and sofas and the sheer quantity of them makes you want one too - sort of an impulse buy. I have witnessed this effect on my own good husband who plopped a telescope in our cart that cost several hundred dollars. He never ever even mentioned that he wanted a telescope...

I love Christmas but I hate Christmas music especially when it's on nonstop beginning 11/20!!!!!

I've heard several people debate what and where is Silicon Valley. It's Palo Alto. No, it's San Jose. I think it's the whole South Bay and Peninsula. Why do we get so hung up on this? Actually I think Silicon Valley is like a giant "factory town" where all its citizens work for the same field or company. In this case, all the big and little tech companies. We are all drones, checking in and checking out of the buildings and then going home to our track homes. Ok, I'm getting a little too negative. But you get my drift. I'm amused at how women are fighting right now on the Silicon Valley Mom's Blog because they feel like their voices are not being heard because the blog is too focused on rich women with nannies. I say - write your own blog!

I am a self confessed perfectionist. Not the kind with the hospital cornered panties in her drawer but the kind who can't make a decision because she's afraid of making the wrong one. This tendency includes obssessing about dangers, potential dangers, remote dangers, impossible dangers. The whole worry muscle in my head is well developed like...uh....Arnold Schwarzenegger. I have a worry muscle that is as fit as our governor once was.

My daughter is very articulate and empathetic and somewhat calculating. I don't mean calculating in a bad way - I mean that she gets the progression of things. When she sees me sitting down, she asks me if my belly is feeling alright. At first, I thought this was due to her concern for her momma. That's partially right. What she really wants is to sit my lap and she knows that for that to happen - the belly has to be alright. Wah, I love my little muffin girl who's growing up too fast.

Words cannot describe my gratefulness

2007-11-22T23:42:00.000-08:00

- for tender Daniel and precious Sophie...
- for health family members who get along (ahem) relatively well...
- for love from my parents, Mike's parents, my good friends
- for Me and Mike. We fuss, fight but at the end of the day we love each other and are excited about this next chapter in our lives as partners in the Yum-Lenz Corporation.
- for a place to live, transportation, food, water, clothing
- especially for God who watches over us and will always be our guide.

Random notes...

2007-11-21T23:20:00.000-08:00

Things I did today:

1) Went to Nordstrom's with Lil D (by myself!!!!) and had awesome Salad Nicoise in Nordy's Cafe for lunch
2) Tried halfheartedly to purchase a non-maternity top that wouldn't make me look fat
3) Took two naps
4) Played "school" with Sophie and helped her trace numbers in her time workbook
5) Ate a great hamburger made by Mike
6) Visited w/ Glo (Mo Mommy) who said Lil D looks nothing like me
7) Visited w/ Debs who thinks Lil D's nose is an exact replica of mine
8) Took hot shower after debating whether or not to for 10 minutes (I'm not kidding)
9) Visited w/ younger brother Eric who drove up from LA for Turkey day and made no mention of who Lil D looks like but just admired him. Eric is astounded that I have two kids. He said, didn't you just have a kid?!
10) Held Lil D in my arms and turned out the light and just sat there and rocked him as I stared into his big eyes...

Smell of fear

2007-11-20T17:57:00.000-08:00

Short update: Yesterday Mike started back at work, leaving me at home with two kids. One who asks five million questions per minute not including requests (milk, TV, toy, eliminate present boredom) and the other has no neck control and wants constant milk supply direct from the boob. Needless to say, I was, am scared to be at home alone with these two folks. My mom called to say that she was going to be 1/2 hour late to my house yesterday after Mike left and I about flipped my lid. Today was the marathon 11 hour stretch and I think I'm doing pretty well. In fact, I'm darn proud of myself!!!!!

Hurray for me. I'm still alive!

Peace out, chiquitas...cyl

I'll take a number one with a diet coke...

2007-11-17T22:52:00.000-08:00

Earlier today, I ventured out for the first time by myself to McDonald's and Target. Yes, the extra special burb adventure. I have to say - it was great to be free of nursing, sleeping schedules, my sweats and seeing the same house with the same rooms for the millionth time. I have the love of Mickey D's - it's disgusting and shameful but true. When I'm stressed, I head for the Golden Arches. Since I've been on a restricted diet, Big Macs were a no-no. Now, no baby so yes to Big Macs! Target was quite the adventure. I felt like an old lady headed into my favorite store...schlepping one foot in front of the other with my little handbag. No more maternity clothes! There was some really cute stuff - picked up some tshirts pour mois, diapers and then headed home to the Lenz Company Bunker where someone was waiting for me...

Daniel J. Lenz. Sounds like a man not really a baby. That's why I call him lil' D. Daniel is 12 days old today. For such a small pint, he's had a big impact on the family. We're still in the foxhole phase of postpartum eating, sleeping, and just trying to maintain sanity. We've had some great meals delivered by friends, strangers (part of the Palo Alto Mom's Club) and neighbors. It's been a great experience to have some of the small chores be taken up by folks. Keeps us going. On the mood update, I've been better that last two days though tonight was really hard. My body just feels so whacked which doesn't help my mood which makes my body hurt. You get the picture. Things were helped a bit by a visit from the Yums.

That's all for now.

Oh yeah, here's some more bible verses that are keeping me going:

Psalm 4:8
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding , will guard your headts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

peace.

Worn out...

2007-11-15T07:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a bad day...lessee, I found out I have a bladder infection, my back is starting to hurt, blah, blah, blah. I started having those familiar postpartum depression/anxiety feelings and they scared me. The sleep deprivation (I can't fall asleep or take a nap) caught up to me and I started to cry at everything. I've thought about solutions. I obssessed about the solutions (meds) but I'm still undecided. I've basically come to the conclusion that I don't trust the medical industry re medication at all and what they tell you today could change on a dime as soon as the next study. I feel like medications and breastfeeding don't mix. I don't want to take something that will affect lil' D unless I really have to or he goes on formula. Writing this down, I do see that this is not a life or death situation but really just something to consider in taking care of myself (something I'm not always good at). So I'm praying extra hard these last 24 hours for God to reveal to me His never ending love and compassion and for a specific plan. He's been here at my side but sometimes I forget that He's there.

Boobs, Ta-ta's, breasts, rhymes with mitts

2007-11-13T23:16:00.000-08:00

Report from the Lenz family "bunker", we are faring well as can be with round the clock feedings of lil' D (via boob - yes, boob, I think I've finally mastered the art of breastfeeding!); older sibling Sophie Toonz Lenz outbursts; and everyone's reactions to changes as big as gaining a new member of your family. I compare the early postpartum period to swallowing a porcupine backwards. It feels and looks impossible but somehow with enough gravy - you get through it. In this case the "gravy" are our general friends and family.

Let me give a shout out to my peeps:
- Mr. Lenz - Mike, my main peep, he's stable incarnate - something my flying kite of emotions needs constantly.
- Judy - therapist extrordinaire!
- Mom Yum - the rock. a little rough on the edges but recently with a little new softness added
- Debs - she gets me when I'm down and gets me when I'm up
- Megan - despite leaving me for quality of life vs. hanging out with me, she makes me laugh and shares my rough, bawdy sense of humor.
- Diane & Maisa- my college roommates both get me and we've been having yuks for 15+ years.
- Cari - my sister in Christ...she reminds me of the most helpful verses and is a strong woman with soul
- Gloria - she is down to earth, practical advice giver and is a great listener to my woes.
- Vit and Paula - these women are positive energy forces in my life.
- Rona - compassionate and practical as hell...she helps me realize perfection is a pipe dream especially when it comes to a 4 year old!!!

Peace

Geezl Peezl! I have two kids!

2007-11-10T21:01:00.001-08:00

Hi my faithful 3 readers! I gots me two kids! I'm elated, exhausted, sleep deprived but happy. So different this time around. I survived the dreaded c-section and live to tell about it. A quick rundown on the birth story, ADD-riddled/bullet style.

November 5, 2007 - You think you know but you have no idea...

- Started having cramps/contractions around 7 a.m. Monday, Nov. 5
- Went to Stanford Hospital for my fetal non-stress test at 9:30 a.m. after dropping Sophie off at school
- Mentioned to the nurse that I thought I might be in labor; had painful contraction there
- They called my doctor and he said to go ahead to Labor and Delivery. Saw no sense in taking a chance. My thought: CRAP! THIS IS NOT ACC. TO MY PLAN but secretly am excited because my belly is too big to go on.
- Went to Labor and Delivery and was admitted
- Met my *very* nice nurse, Cheryl, and went on to experience painful contractions for next hour.
- Dr. Powar shows up in scrubs and says - let's get this c-section started. I'm prepped for surgery scheduled for before 12:00 p.m.
- I'm at this point trying to KEEP IT TOGETHER and not freak out because this is happening so fast. I thought I was going to just hang out at home and maybe go grocery shopping today.
- My mom shows up. Before surgery, I'm shaved down yonder with a lovely battery powered razor, and fitted with beautiful white polyester thigh-highs. I look and feel really sexy!
- Before we head into surgery, I make sure everyone has read my neat birth plan which contains bullet points like: hold up the baby so I can see him when he's born, don't talk about my fibroids/body like I'm not there and update me with every step of the surgery with me.
- I get my spinal from a resident anethesiologist who did a *great* job. Last c-section I had, I totally thought I was suffocating b/c I couldn't feel myself breathing. This time she targeted just the right zones and I could still move one of my feet.
- My main man Mike is at my left hand side - helping me visualize us at the beach - anything except for what's about to happen. He's my rock and he keeps talking until I engage with him in convo and not in the surroundings. Oh yeah, there are about 12 people in surgery with us, yakking away at what's happening, etc.
- Within about 15 minutes, I hear this gorgeous wail - our baby is here. Lil' D, Daniel is here. I'm so relieved that he's ok, looking pink that I start to cry. Now, we're both crying. It's wonderful.
- Mike stay with me while they sew me up. It goes well. I head to the recovery room...

The rest of our stay in the hospital was uneventful - Thank GOD! - and we're home now. I'm just so happy that the delivery part is over. Now we're in transition mode. It's been hard but good so far. More updates to come.

I wanted to share this bible verse that's been taped in my bathroom since I found out I was pregnant - it's kept me going during times of doubt...

Isaiah 58:11
The LORD will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Peace...

Early Delivery

2007-11-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

Guest blogger Mike here while Mom is in the hospital.

Daniel Jinou was born 3 days ahead of schedule, at 13:13 on Monday 11/5. He was 7 lbs 1 oz and 20.5 in long. Mom and baby are doing great. The rest of the family is tickled pink (baby is already pink). All are generally sleepy but in good spirits and we'll be home by Friday for a full road test of the new little guy.

Korean Naming Ceremony...at Chili's

2007-11-04T23:25:00.000-08:00

Today we received and accepted our son's (did I tell you it was going to be a boy?) Korean and middle name from my father at Chili's. It wasn't a formal affair but just as touching as one would be. My father worked on the name (soon to be unveiled with English name) last night, researching the Chinese characters and sounds that would make up his name. The process is very complicated and I'm not sure how he does it. But voila, we now have his name and we like it very much.

We ended up at Chili's after church services. Why Chili's? Our family has a love/hate relationship with Chili's.

The love:
- it's a kid friendly restaurant that our 4 year old loves
- it's close by so when we're all achieving record hypoglycemic lows at the same time around 7 p.m. during the week because mom hasn't made dinner, we know we can get in and eat in about 15 minutes
- it's all about the fries and non-stop soda refills

The hate:
- grease
- grease
- oh and grease

So there you have it...we'll be announcing the wee one's name by Thursday when my c-section is scheduled. During my recovery, I'm trying to get Mike to guest blog but we'll see about that.

Peace!

One week countdown

2007-11-02T01:33:00.000-07:00

A typical night & day for past week...

12:30 a.m. - go to bed
1:00 a.m. - fall asleep
3:00 a.m. - wake up and go to bathroom
5:00 a.m. - wake up again and go to bathroom
7:30 a.m. - wake up and decide that I will not go to the bathroom AGAIN and that risking a bladder infection is worth a few more minutes of being horizontal
8:00 a.m. - still awake and but now lower body is paralyzed with aching from "full" bladder
8:30 a.m. - get up and go to bathroom
9:00 a.m.-10:00 a.m. - breakfast, wash, change into same maternity track suit have worn for last month
10:01 a.m. - check email
10:30-1:00 p.m. - clean house, do errands while basically eating snacks, lunch, snacks again
2:00 p.m. - watch some TV - currently Sopranos, helps me get the anger out
3-5 p.m. - NAP
5:20 p.m. - pick up Sophie from school
6:00-8:00 p.m. - food prep or pick up

*lest you think I am a slug (by all means I feel like one), think of doing the above with a giant bowling ball resting on your Lady Town. Nuff said.

Halloween, Los Altos style

2007-10-31T21:34:00.000-07:00

All three of us went out trick or treating tonight. Sophie went as Uniqua, a pink dinosaur? from the show, The Backyardigans. I purchased the costume from Goodwill for $9.99 about a month ago. It fit my main mom criteria: it was warm. It was fun to see the hordes (up to 10 each) of kids on our street. Parents seemed like they were having fun too; I think I saw one woman with a plastic cup of wine. I wanted to get out of the house and just meet some new neighbors. A few people commented that they were surprised to see me walking around, telling me that I was "brave." I guess they figured I should be laying down in layers of down feathers, preparing for delivery. Gak.

After we hit about 12 houses, we went back to our house and Mike picked up candy duty with Sophie while I sat down and assumed the TV position (a bad habit which requires its own post). I have to say that kids in our neighborhood are a little obnoxious. For example, one group asked Mike for bottled waters after they took candy. Only in Los Altos. We saw a lot of good costumes including a female Darth Vader. Our favorite trick o'treater was this preteen kid who was dressed as a door to door salesmen with a clipboard. When Mike answered the door, he asked, "So are you guys doing this Halloween thing?"

Earthquake

2007-10-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

This is one of my catastrophic scenarios that I cooked up a few months ago while biting my nails over my pending c-section. May I present to you scenario #21: having surgery while there was an earthquake. At 8:04 p.m. tonight PDT, we got a nice little shaking action at Casa Lenz.

It was Sophie's first earthquake. I heard the house creaking quite a bit and the familiar zig zag motion of the ground. It scared me enough to grab my daughter and head for the nearest doorway. We stood there with me holding her wrist and just looking around, blinking with wide eyes. I tried to keep my poker face but I'm afraid I gave away a lot of my thoughts which included:

- WTF! I can't believe this!
- I hope this doesn't get worse.
- Slight confirmation that my catastrophic thinking is not so out of left field
- Along with hope that other catastrophic scenarios don't come true in next week
- Can we still drink the water in my earthquake kit?

So after all 30 seconds were over - we turned on the TV which had no coverage. Went to sfgate.com which was flooded with hits and didn't turn up anything. Finally I called my friend Debbie to just ask someone, " Did you feel it?" She did.

Church

2007-10-29T00:55:00.001-07:00

I love going to church. It's like mental Ajax. Cleans my head out and makes it feel all light and sparkly afterwards. There, I take all my troubles, anxieties, worries (little and big ones) and leave them at God's feet. He wants me too.

Here are some other highlights:
- Crazy, throw-up-your-arms-& wave-em-around good music
- Time to really reflect on the week - how God's helped me through
- Time to hang with my family and just relax
- Listen to some meaty chunks of God's Word

This all helps me tremendously. So it's not a burden to go to church my friends but a pleasure sometimes a necessity like going to the gym when you feel listless and poor in health.

If you're ever in the neighborhood, go check out my church: www.alcf.net

Peace...

Calm before the storm: The time I have now that I will never get back again!

2007-10-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

I just had to post about the free time I've had recently. Today my parents picked up my daughter from school and took her home to have dinner with them and right now I'm sitting here writing a post on my new blog.

I will never have this quiet house again with so many options: should I watch last night's episode of the Sopranos on TIVO? should I organize my hospital bag? should I clean the dishes (nah!) You get the picture. Anyway, I wanted to record this moment when while my belly was full of baby, my schedule was free of obligations and emergencies. I will re-read this post in about three weeks with disbelief, feeling like I'm reading someone else's words...

Funny

2007-10-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

Help the La Leche League has brainwashed my 4 y.o.!!!!!

Yesterday while we were hanging out together, Sophie walked in the room with Elmo held across her chest. She announced with a smile, "I'm breastfeeding Elmo!"

The Mothers Act - PPD and me

2007-10-25T15:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was National Blog Day in support of the Mothers Act, a Senate Bill sponsored by U.S. Senators Robert Menendez (D-NJ) and Richard Durbin (D-IL) that if passed will ensure that new moms and their families are educated about post partum depression (PPD), screened for symptoms, and provided with essential services. It will also increase research into the causes, diagnoses and treatments for postpartum depression by a program of grants.

Four years ago, I had a bout of PPD/PPA (anxiety) after the birth of my daughter. It was confusing, disorienting and intense and started the first night I was in the hospital. It was totally unexpected and hit me hard. The experience lasted several months but once I received treatment things got better quickly though I've read about women who struggle for years. One big part of my recovery was just knowing that other people had gone through this same thing. A friend of a friend (thank the Lord!) talked to me over the phone about her experience which sounded very similar to mine and that was the ONLY person I knew who had a clue about what I was talking about. Now of course, I belong to a YahooGroup and have other forms of support but let me tell ya - I was pretty much alone with it for a while.

For years, I swore that I would not have a second kid was because of this sad, soul-depleting experience. I'm so relieved and grateful to see that there is more awareness growing for PPD and PPA over the last four years to help new moms, their family and friends to deal with this misunderstood, "underbelly" of birth and recovery. My theory is that new moms are wholly unprepared for the requirements of birth, delivery and recovery. I have a few recommendations. What about hospitals offering an emotional preparedness class instead of just diapering and baby proofing classes (which by the way I found pretty useless). Also, we and the baby business could help our sisters a little more by portraying (gently) of course the whole process a little more realistically. Right now, pregnancy is a time that is celebrated with storks, ducks, teddy bears, pink and blue stuff and soft things - all misleading symbols to what is a very emotional, powerful, sometimes draining experience for women. Baby merchandising pimps I mean experts (e.g., Hallmark, Pottery Barn Kids, Baby Gap) should launch new "symbols" of birth - earth momma line of cards and baby and mom accessories that have slogans like, "You both made it!" "Mom kicks ASS!" or "Women deliver the World. Let's deliver for MOM" or how about "You owe your life to Mom" Alas, it will never happen because new moms wouldn't understand (sorry gals but you're pretty clueless until you go through it) and the older generation (the gift giving majority) don't get it or have forgotten. One more note, I think maternity ward nurses should be trained in firstline PPD/PPA treatment to help exhausted moms' get the help they need. My night shift nurse was totally unhelpful to me when I told her that I was getting panicky and needed her help.

So you might be wondering - what am I doing this time around to prepare? Since I found out that I was pregnant back in March, I've assembled a support network (therapist, psychiatrist) and set up"a plan" in case my psyche goes south along with my belly. I've been praying hard (seriously) that because this time we (my husband and I) have prepared that we will not be hit so hard by it.

Making Room

2007-10-24T00:13:00.000-07:00

The baby will be here in 2+ weeks and we're excited, fearful but excited.

Physically - we 're in good shape being "veteran" parents of one - funny how one kid can help relax you for the next one on what to expect, buy, not buy, etc. By moving lil Lenz into our "office", our 3 bdrm home seems smaller already but it's worth it.

Mentally - I think we're both developing facial tics over near term sleep deprivation, c-section recovery, poopie diapers and general neediness of a newborn. It takes my breath away to think how overnight, you're life changes once they hand you this little bundle. Months of pregnancy discomfort (swelling, ligament pain, sleeplessness, heartburn) fade into one blurry, innocent, harmless memory as you enter into postpartum phase a.k.a. hell. I'm hoping this time around - I won't have hell but will have a milder form of it. You know: 80 degrees in SF instead of 105 in Phoenix.

What's different this time around is a sibling and making her comfortable with the transition. As part of my "sibling preparation", I've been lavishing attention on Sophie daily - hugging her and telling her that she is my special kid because she is my first, etc. She is such a sunny child and funny (really, she has a great sense of humor - Thank you GOD). Everyone keeps asking her what she thinks of having a little brother. I know it's just conversation filler between adult/4 y.o. but whenever she hears the question - she has this look like: "how do you think I feel? I have no freakin' clue!" I don't blame her! As an eldest child and a girl with a little brother born four years later, I hope to be Sophie's advisor on how to deal with sharing the spotlight and just being an all-around good sport and wreaking havoc on sibling undetected. I'm just kidding on that last point but I was pretty good at it.

Thoughts on pregnancy, babies and rude people

2007-09-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

This is my first post ever! I'm 33 weeks pregnant with my second child. First an introduction: I am a mother of a 4 year old, Sophie, wife to Mike and living in Silly Valley. I started to write this blog because I wanted a place to park my thoughts and observations on stuff that is happening to me. If you gain some insight, comfort or a hearty guffaw from hearing my anecdotes, then great - this blog has done its job. If not, then fine - you've just wasted about 15+ minutes of your life reading my words...ha!

On pregnancy: After my first pregnancy (uncomfortable)/delivery(scary)/post-partum experience (whacked), I swore to many friends over drinks, coffee, lunch, dinner, snacks, park benches, long car rides, grocery store aisles, gym locker rooms, and farmers' markets that I would never have a second child. I was serious. My husband wanted more but I was resolute. What changed my mind? The classic sign: something was missing. Our family needed one more member and I was the biologically chosen one to pony up for the team. Flash forward to today and I'm large and not in charge of anything! My body is unwieldy, clumsy and my brain is mush.

On babies: They are so cute but deceiving bundles of work, pain, joy and love.

On rude people during pregnancy: I've had so many people tell me that I look "HUGE". I've heard several comments including:

- Are you sure there is only one?
- You look like you're going to pop last week ( I was about 25 wks at that point)
- My personal favorite: What do you got in there?

So my advice to the general public (not just men since all of the comments above were FROM WOMEN!!!), is to shut the heck up when you see a pregnant woman (no matter how large and not in charge she looks) and say as one nice elderly woman did to me in Menlo Park on Santa Cruz Ave., "You look beautiful!"